I have thought about this long and hard for some time now.
This will be my last post.
I have no plans of starting another blog. I attempted starting another one and stopped it about a month later. Writing on this one was becoming hard enough for me, there was no way I could maintain a second one.
Last year when I started this blog I was working through some things. As the blog went on many of those issues got resolved and others got added on. That is life I guess. Today I have some things still going on in my mind and some things that still linger and hurt. Other issues but ones that I consider much too private to talk about in public.
Here I found a community of like-minded friends who supported and sometimes scolded what I had to say.
Now I have moved on to other things. I no longer have the time or interest to keep on writing. Mostly, I have nothing left to say.
So, thank all of you who eventually became my friends. My email is still listed on the site and my profile will remain up there for a while. I may continue to read and visit your blogs from time to time but all in all I wish you the best.
Final departing thoughts:
"And I don't want the world to see me,
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am."
- Iris by Goo Goo Dolls.
"Bekhudi khi zindagi hum jiya nahin karte,
Jaam doosron se chheen kar hum piya nahin karte,
Unko mohobat hain tho aa kar izhaar karay,
Peencha hum bhi kisika kiya nahin karte."
It's a long weekend over here. I decided to take it easy and let my mind unwind for a bit. And there is no better way to do that than video games. You get to escape into a virtual world for a while concentrating solely on the problems of your characters. At least that's what it does for me. I am him/her and trying my hardest to conquer. Now that works well in games where you play the protagonist like - Fable, Star Wars, etc. But when you are playing a game like Manhunt, GTA or Indigo Prophecy it's a whole other ballgame. In manhunt you play a man on deathrow who is given the option to get off death row if he follows the instructions given to him by a man he can only hear and never see. In GTA (grand theft auto) you get to play a Mafia man going thru the motions til he gets made - which can be fun if you like creating chaos.
Indigo Prophecy is a whole other ballgame. It's got multiple storylines where you get to play the character of a psychotic visionary murderer who seems possessed and the two detectives investigating the case. One of them is a woman who has different mood fluctuations than the men. You have to be on top of their moods and make sure they are in high enough spirits or else they die. You have to keep on top of all of their stories in order to understand the cinema. You have to collect the evidence that eventually proves this man as the killer. And as the killer you have to find out why you're having your visions and what made you kill someone else. Not to mention the fact that all of them have their own personal dramas going on in their lives with their significant others or lack thereof. Plus there is a skill in the game that you have to master in order to beat it. Video game controllers now have two toggle sticks and two triggers. Most games use one of them at a time. This one uses both very very often in skillful alternate finger movements. While using the toggle sticks you are prompted by color blotches that tell you which way to move seconds before you have to move it. Reminded me of the old skool game - memory.
I played and played the first week I got. Usually I am one to complete a game in a week. But this one got to my head. The real life graphics and drama and the necessary skill needed to play the game was a bit much for me and out of frustration I stopped playing. The game's just been sitting around and I haven't even looked at it. I decided to go back to it since all my other games have been beaten already.
After the break I have realized that the key to playing the game is to attempt the memory like scenarios a few times before walking away from the tv and taking a breather. Then come back and attempt it again. And when you are looking at the color blotches don't try to look at each invidual one, instead focus on the center (kinda how we used to to see those pics on the computer where you look at the center and the picture becomes something else) and follow the lights from your focus point. Helps to beat it faster.
I sound like a video game freak. :) Maybe cuz I am.
I was supposed to go out and know that that was probably the better thing for me to do, but my back's been out for two days after a very long day in surgery with two very difficult operations. I ended up all psyched about going out, with it being a long weekend and all, but by the time the evening rolled around I ended up telling my friend I wasn't coming. This is how the convo went:
Friend - "Hey, aight, we are heading out to "------" now so meet you there in ten minutes?"
Moi - "Dude, I'm not gonna come tonight. We got a long day tomorrow anyway so I am gonna skip out now and you guys carry on and have a great time."
Friend - "Dude, you're sleeping!!! I can hear it. You were asleep when I called weren't ya?"
Moi - "No yaar. My voice does that. When I don't talk for sometime it sounds like I was asleep. I wasn't though. Was watching a movie."
Friend - "Oh ya, which one?"
Moi - (why the hell does that matter?? back's hurting, am anti-friendly, gotta go.) "Sky Captain"
Friend - "Weren't you watching that when I came over earlier?"
Moi - (how is this relevant) "Yes, but since I went out with you I missed the ending half so was trying to catch up with what happened."
Friend - "Geez, you coulda asked me I woulda told you on the way there."
Moi - (now why would that be fun) "Are we playing 20 questions??"
Friend - "Oh oh, you're cranky!"
Moi - "Yeah, my back's really getting to me today. I'm not gonna come out tonite cuz if I do I'm gonna end up being a drag and pulling you guys down."
Friend - "Okay then, stay home and rest up - we will make up for the great loss of your company tomorrow."
Moi - (OMG CAN I GO NOW) "Ahhhh, sarcasm will get you nowhere. BYEE NOWW!"
Friend - "You know we love ya. Bye. Hope you feel better."
So, once that was over I ended up spending the night at home romancing myself with a candlelit dinner, some nice music, incense burning in the background and a really warm bath in epsom salt to ease the pain.
After all that was over I sat in front of my comp and saw the words "brown eyed" something together in a song title while I was downloading music. Those two words paired together reminded me of something someone had said about themselves in reference to someone else. (very complicated scenario) That memory put me back in a very graphic elevator scenario where I was accompanied by that someone. All in all it was a moment in which I knew what was happening and trying to handle it as best as I could but it turned out leaving me with the taste of shit in my mouth and the someone with a feeling of victory.
Now everytime I see those two words paired together anywhere they will always remind me of that same scenario or more pointedly that particular person - as will certain scents as it did earlier today, songs as they do always, scenes, faces, things....it can get a bit much. Hmm - the curse of passionate ppl with memories like elephants and senses of well bred canines???? Possibly. For now it's my curse. And I am coping - or so I think - til the walls around come crashing down. For my sake I hope they don't.Some things are better left unsaid.
"And I don't want the world to see me,
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am."
- Iris by Goo Goo Dolls.
What is it about?
Some say it's all about how you walk away - your behavior and how you handle the situation as you leave - you say your final goodbyes. Some say it's about how things are throughout the duration - how you handle situations while there, involved, faced day in and day out.
I say it is definitely the latter. Yes, it makes a difference in the way a person finally says goodbye but, not enough to counteract the way they were throughout. Sometimes you have just had enough and when you say goodbye you think it's better to just leave things be - cut and dry - simple. Lingering only hurts. Seperation is personal, the agony, the pain, or the lack thereof isn't something you want to share.
I've always been about trying and trying til I have nothing left to give and then cutting my losses and walking away. Depending on how you treated me while there just makes me want to say hello occassionally or be repulsed by the thought of you.
I feel as though I need to find a middle ground and find a means to feel less invested in a situation so as to save myself much hassle.
Right now I am all about myself and what I need, I haven't even thought about being with someone else let alone actually being there. I've drowned myself in me. I feel like it's the most important thing now. No one matters anymore. Nothing anyone has done matters. None of it is enough to bring me down. Break me apart, or even hurt me anymore. The useless are cut off, the useful are kept around and friends are good no matter what form they come in - keeps you entertained for those moments you don't want to be alone.
After enough ppl slap you around enough times you step back and take a hard look inside and say, "Why the fuck am I even accepting this kind of behaviour? Fuck that! I'm worth more to me and I will do right by me even if that leaves me alone. So be it."
They stopped to pose for me.
Rainbows are pretty.
Representing the West Indies vs India ODI series.
Hmm. What do you think?
Two new realizations I've come to:
1) Never doubt yourself. Doubt exhibits a lack of confidence in your own character - a character flaw. And if you aren't flawed what are you doubting.
2) When ppl try to exert control over other situations they are actually showing their lack of control over themselves. The only thing you can actually truly control is yourself. Questioning who did what and why is an absolute waste of time. That is their cross to bear - not yours.
The path to God lies in first knowing yourself. Or so says Dr. Deepak Chopra. And I agree.
Interesting times of personal growth, travel and strength.
P.S. - The pic above is strength written in sanskrit ie shakti.
Still I Rise
| || You may write me down in history|
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
"They can cut the flowers, but they can't stop the spring." " Everything on the earth bristled, the bramble
pricked and the green thread
nibbled away, the petal fell, falling
until the only flower was the falling itself.
Water is another matter,
has no direction but its own bright grace,
runs through all imaginable colors,
takes limpid lessons
and in those functionings plays out
the unrealized ambitions of the foam. "
" Before I loved you, love, nothing was my own:
I wavered through the streets, among
nothing mattered or had a name:
the world was made of air, which waited.
I knew rooms full of ashes,
tunnels where the moon lived,
rough warehouses that growled 'get lost',
questions that insisted in the sand.
Everything was empty, dead, mute,
fallen abandoned, and decayed:
inconceivably alien, it all
belonged to someone else - to no one:
till your beauty and your poverty
filled the autumn plentiful with gifts."
" I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. "
" I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.
I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue. "
- Pablo Neruda
Two inguinal hernias.
Two chest wall cystecotomies.
One neck cystectomy.
One leg amputation (below knee).
Eight hours of surgery - nonstop - no lunch, no breaks. All completed. One more fascinating than the next. Burning human flesh smells like chicken or burning hair. Thick blood smells like sea water. Bone grinds smells like nail-filing. The look of a leg once severed from the body is quite interesting and completely different. Every one is safe and resting. I am chilling with a beer in one hand, a cigarette in another.
I have a whole new look - a brand new perspective of the human body - the way a doctor looks at it and the way a normal person looks at it are both completely different.
This is the most satisfied I have felt - ever. :)
And so it is...
We have twelve surgeries scheduled for tomorrow. In the OR from 730am until about 5pm. One of the surgeries is a half leg amputation due to gangrene. At bedside this morning during rounds, when I took the dressing off this guy's foot the smell that arose - the putrid stench - makes cow dung smell like flowers. I had to do everything in my power to keep from vomitting. As it turns out the patient's increased blood sugar won't let the wound heal and the wound in turn is causing the increased blood sugar. Our efforts at controlling his GMR are going nowhere. We have no choice left but to amputate. It's sad but inevitable - if not he could die altogether.
Told another patient he was terminally ill today. Stage 4 colon cancer that has metastisized to the liver and gall bladder. Came in with jaundice - prolly won't leave alive.
That's my thoughts for tonite.
I decided to do some research on my current "thesis" (as per BBCD) after an anonymous commenter posted on the abuse article below. I thought if it helps someone out then why not. It also ends up teaching me things I don't know about the topic. Anyhow, thought this was good enough to post here. Found it here.
I began this and as others sent me more, I added them to make this a collaborative list. Thank you all.
1 Self-centered. His needs are paramount.
2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.
3 Unreliable, undependable.
4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions.
5. Projects his faults on to others. High
blaming behavior; never his fault.
6. Little if any conscience.
. 7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.
8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.
9.. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.
10. People are to be manipulated for his needs.
11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps
talking, changes the subject or gets angry.
12. Pathological lying.
13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.
14. No real values. Mostly situational.
15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
16. Angry, mercurial, moods.
17. Uses sex to control
18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.
20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.
21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.
22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.
23. Moody - switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.
24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.
25. Seldom expresses appreciation.
26. Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does.
27. Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.
28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.
29. He breaks woman's spirits to keep them dependent.
30.Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.
31. Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.
32. Highly contradictory.
33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.
34. Hides his real self. Always “on”
35. Kind only if he's getting from you what he wants.
36. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.
37. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.
38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.
40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"
41. Always feels misunderstood.
42. You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.
43. Does not listen because he does not care.
44. His feelings are discussed, not the partners.
45. Is not interested in problem-solving..
46. Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them.
Talk about needing some sort of motivation to change your lifestyle -- I have the quickest fix ever:
1 - Take a walk around a surgery ward and look at all those in bed. Most patients are overweight. The aftereffects of Diabetes - half cut up feet. Eeep.
2 - Watch the movie Supersize Me.
Looks like I will be changing my lifestyle completely. And everytime I want to go back to being who I have been I'll just watch the movie again.
Now if only someone could come out with Marlboro Me or something!!
Sleep come now
2:13 am - can't sleep. Sitting here with a peg with Dil Cheez Kya Hain playing in the background - actually I think it's a double. Whiskey on the rocks. Rounds at 8am tomorrow morning.
"Dil cheez kya hain aap meri jaan lijiye
bas ek baar mera kahaa maan lijiye...
Is anjumun mein aapko aana hain baar baar,
deewaron darr ko ghor se pehchan lijiye."
*takes a moment to think back to fond old college memories.*
In some facets of my life the way I think is actually very useful - ie my career. In the other facets of my life it is such a fucking curse. :S Hopefully sleep will come soon.
Love the Menace
I guess it has finally come to the point where I can accept the fact that despite whatever happened I still love her. Sometimes it doesn't really matter how horrible the person was to you. You still find yourself loving them and then you know, you feel in your gut that it was real.
gabriel garcia marquez writes, "...i became aware the invincible power that has moved the world is unrequited, not happy, love." -- quote provided by femmemenace
And with that having been said.....
That chapter of my life is now closed.
I think of her constantly.I love her very much.I miss her terribly.WHY THE FUCK, WHY THE FUCK, WHY THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKK............ IS THIS SO DAMN HARD!!
Current thoughts:"Things that are done, it is needless to speak about. Things that are past, it is needless to blame."- Confucius
I've decided to turn the page into a new chapter in the book of my life.
There are things in life that happen to each of us. Things we can never talk about cuz whatever we say it will never do it justice and whatever they say they will never get it. Truth is that it is your life and no one else needs to "get it". It would be nice for the people who claim to love you to understand you - or better yet - to want to understand you but, that too, is an ideal. I guess many of us live in a fantasy of love, acceptance, understanding, etc because there are some that are lucky enough to get it and because it's easier living life believing in something better than what reality is.
I have decided (with the help of my blogger friends) that things happen. Most of it is out of our control. And it is just better to let it go. There's a time for walking that extra step and there is a time for stepping back and just closing it all away in the closet in your own mind.
I realized today, that in all the time I have spent trying I have lost too much. I was to have passed two major hurdles in MY life which ended up on a backburner. I put all my efforts into something that I shouldn't have. And no one else is to blame but me. These milestones will either make me or break me and it's not going to make a stitch of a difference in anyone else's life whether I make it or not.
I've taken to praying again. I find my strength in prayer. And somehow, whenever my life is in complete shambles I feel it call out to me. Like, "I am here - Look to me. "
Inside me there is a rage, a blind fury that comes from feeling out of control and giving in to circumstances I wish I had not. And when instigated some of it comes out. I want to lash back, hit back and keep hitting til the person never thinks of taking advantage or pushing those limits. But I can never bring myself to do that. Out of retaliation I hit some people back - and even though I hit them BACK for hitting me first and ignoring my requests to stop - I walked away feeling like shit for lifting my hands. There was only one time in my life that I hit someone and felt good about it. That kinda power over someone never appealed to me probably because I've seen the after effects of blind rage.
And when a situation is over and I have time to reflect the unfair actions and the cruel words of a person bring that rage out. It's always harder for me to see something when I am in the middle of it. When I give myself space and distance I see it for what it truly was. And once I get that clarity there isn't a thing you can say to justify it. And forgiveness - well that is granted very difficultly. It's a very slow process and I give loads of patience and an ample amount of time to a person to hang themselves.
So, I have turned to prayer.
It won't be long before this time will have passed.
Saw this while driving right off the highway. Actually made me giggle to myself. Brace yourself world - Armageddon has finally come. Shall we celebrate or run scared?? Or just keep drinkin? Any ideas?
This calligraphic character stands for love, a Buddhist concept referred to as metta. Metta literally means friendliness in Pali, the ancient Indian language in which the Theravada Buddhist scriptures were written. It is a broad concept, encompassing loving kindness, love, friendliness, and universal compassion. In true Buddhist spirit, it signifies love without a desire to possess but with a desire to help, to sacrifice self-interest for the welfare and well-being of humanity. Thus, it is a feeling of boundless love towards all living creatures and the desire to make others happy without discrimination. Metta reflects not only an emotion, but also entails doing charitable deeds.
The character is painted in a circle set inside a square symbolizing that love is a blending of complimentary energies: yin and yang, male and female, internal and external, and emotion and intellect.
Have you ever....
Have you ever told someone things in confidence so they could get to know you better and they have used those very same statements against you?Have you ever loved someone enough to let them completely misuse the "power" you have given them?Have you ever hurt so much that your insides feel like they are in a washing machine?Have you ever been so angry that everything you see is tainted in red?Have you ever presented a completely contradictory picture of yourself to the world whilst feeling something completely different on the inside?Have you ever spent two whole months drinking every night to forget what happened - what you let happen?Have you ever felt tears slide down ur face as you watch something on tv that reminds u of someone?Have you ever felt haunted?Have you ever looked evil directly in the eye whilst it did everything in its power to destroy you?Have you ever felt so drained that you don't even have the strength for revenge?Have you had this happen to you over and over again?Have you ever lived completely out of character just because you hate yourself so much?Have you any idea of the sense of rejection, insecurity, loss, fragility, pain, ugliness it can fill a person with??Have you any idea the unsurmountable amount of strength it takes for you to move on from all of this??
Have you ever kept it all inside the confines of the walls of your mind??
Hmm. I HAVE.