Insidious Living

Farewell

2006-06-06T00:29:00.000-04:00

I have thought about this long and hard for some time now.

This will be my last post.

I have no plans of starting another blog. I attempted starting another one and stopped it about a month later. Writing on this one was becoming hard enough for me, there was no way I could maintain a second one.

Last year when I started this blog I was working through some things. As the blog went on many of those issues got resolved and others got added on. That is life I guess. Today I have some things still going on in my mind and some things that still linger and hurt. Other issues but ones that I consider much too private to talk about in public.

Here I found a community of like-minded friends who supported and sometimes scolded what I had to say.

Now I have moved on to other things. I no longer have the time or interest to keep on writing. Mostly, I have nothing left to say.

So, thank all of you who eventually became my friends. My email is still listed on the site and my profile will remain up there for a while. I may continue to read and visit your blogs from time to time but all in all I wish you the best.

Be well.

Be happy.

Be free.

Final departing thoughts:

"And I don't want the world to see me,

Cuz I don't think that they'd understand.

When everything's made to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am."

- Iris by Goo Goo Dolls.

"Bekhudi khi zindagi hum jiya nahin karte,

Jaam doosron se chheen kar hum piya nahin karte,

Unko mohobat hain tho aa kar izhaar karay,

Peencha hum bhi kisika kiya nahin karte."

- Fanaa

Indigo Prophecy

2006-06-05T18:29:00.000-04:00

It's a long weekend over here. I decided to take it easy and let my mind unwind for a bit. And there is no better way to do that than video games. You get to escape into a virtual world for a while concentrating solely on the problems of your characters. At least that's what it does for me. I am him/her and trying my hardest to conquer. Now that works well in games where you play the protagonist like - Fable, Star Wars, etc. But when you are playing a game like Manhunt, GTA or Indigo Prophecy it's a whole other ballgame. In manhunt you play a man on deathrow who is given the option to get off death row if he follows the instructions given to him by a man he can only hear and never see. In GTA (grand theft auto) you get to play a Mafia man going thru the motions til he gets made - which can be fun if you like creating chaos.

Indigo Prophecy is a whole other ballgame. It's got multiple storylines where you get to play the character of a psychotic visionary murderer who seems possessed and the two detectives investigating the case. One of them is a woman who has different mood fluctuations than the men. You have to be on top of their moods and make sure they are in high enough spirits or else they die. You have to keep on top of all of their stories in order to understand the cinema. You have to collect the evidence that eventually proves this man as the killer. And as the killer you have to find out why you're having your visions and what made you kill someone else. Not to mention the fact that all of them have their own personal dramas going on in their lives with their significant others or lack thereof. Plus there is a skill in the game that you have to master in order to beat it. Video game controllers now have two toggle sticks and two triggers. Most games use one of them at a time. This one uses both very very often in skillful alternate finger movements. While using the toggle sticks you are prompted by color blotches that tell you which way to move seconds before you have to move it. Reminded me of the old skool game - memory.

I played and played the first week I got. Usually I am one to complete a game in a week. But this one got to my head. The real life graphics and drama and the necessary skill needed to play the game was a bit much for me and out of frustration I stopped playing. The game's just been sitting around and I haven't even looked at it. I decided to go back to it since all my other games have been beaten already.

After the break I have realized that the key to playing the game is to attempt the memory like scenarios a few times before walking away from the tv and taking a breather. Then come back and attempt it again. And when you are looking at the color blotches don't try to look at each invidual one, instead focus on the center (kinda how we used to to see those pics on the computer where you look at the center and the picture becomes something else) and follow the lights from your focus point. Helps to beat it faster.

I sound like a video game freak. :) Maybe cuz I am.

Unsaid

2006-06-03T01:24:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to go out and know that that was probably the better thing for me to do, but my back's been out for two days after a very long day in surgery with two very difficult operations. I ended up all psyched about going out, with it being a long weekend and all, but by the time the evening rolled around I ended up telling my friend I wasn't coming. This is how the convo went:

Friend - "Hey, aight, we are heading out to "------" now so meet you there in ten minutes?"

Moi - "Dude, I'm not gonna come tonight. We got a long day tomorrow anyway so I am gonna skip out now and you guys carry on and have a great time."

Friend - "Dude, you're sleeping!!! I can hear it. You were asleep when I called weren't ya?"

Moi - "No yaar. My voice does that. When I don't talk for sometime it sounds like I was asleep. I wasn't though. Was watching a movie."

Friend - "Oh ya, which one?"

Moi - (why the hell does that matter?? back's hurting, am anti-friendly, gotta go.) "Sky Captain"

Friend - "Weren't you watching that when I came over earlier?"

Moi - (how is this relevant) "Yes, but since I went out with you I missed the ending half so was trying to catch up with what happened."

Friend - "Geez, you coulda asked me I woulda told you on the way there."

Moi - (now why would that be fun) "Are we playing 20 questions??"

Friend - "Oh oh, you're cranky!"

Moi - "Yeah, my back's really getting to me today. I'm not gonna come out tonite cuz if I do I'm gonna end up being a drag and pulling you guys down."

Friend - "Okay then, stay home and rest up - we will make up for the great loss of your company tomorrow."

Moi - (OMG CAN I GO NOW) "Ahhhh, sarcasm will get you nowhere. BYEE NOWW!"

Friend - "You know we love ya. Bye. Hope you feel better."

So, once that was over I ended up spending the night at home romancing myself with a candlelit dinner, some nice music, incense burning in the background and a really warm bath in epsom salt to ease the pain.

After all that was over I sat in front of my comp and saw the words "brown eyed" something together in a song title while I was downloading music. Those two words paired together reminded me of something someone had said about themselves in reference to someone else. (very complicated scenario) That memory put me back in a very graphic elevator scenario where I was accompanied by that someone. All in all it was a moment in which I knew what was happening and trying to handle it as best as I could but it turned out leaving me with the taste of shit in my mouth and the someone with a feeling of victory.

Now everytime I see those two words paired together anywhere they will always remind me of that same scenario or more pointedly that particular person - as will certain scents as it did earlier today, songs as they do always, scenes, faces, things....it can get a bit much. Hmm - the curse of passionate ppl with memories like elephants and senses of well bred canines???? Possibly. For now it's my curse. And I am coping - or so I think - til the walls around come crashing down. For my sake I hope they don't.

Some things are better left unsaid.

"And I don't want the world to see me,
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am."
- Iris by Goo Goo Dolls.

What is it about?

2006-05-31T23:27:00.000-04:00

Some say it's all about how you walk away - your behavior and how you handle the situation as you leave - you say your final goodbyes. Some say it's about how things are throughout the duration - how you handle situations while there, involved, faced day in and day out.

I say it is definitely the latter. Yes, it makes a difference in the way a person finally says goodbye but, not enough to counteract the way they were throughout. Sometimes you have just had enough and when you say goodbye you think it's better to just leave things be - cut and dry - simple. Lingering only hurts. Seperation is personal, the agony, the pain, or the lack thereof isn't something you want to share.

I've always been about trying and trying til I have nothing left to give and then cutting my losses and walking away. Depending on how you treated me while there just makes me want to say hello occassionally or be repulsed by the thought of you.

I feel as though I need to find a middle ground and find a means to feel less invested in a situation so as to save myself much hassle.

Right now I am all about myself and what I need, I haven't even thought about being with someone else let alone actually being there. I've drowned myself in me. I feel like it's the most important thing now. No one matters anymore. Nothing anyone has done matters. None of it is enough to bring me down. Break me apart, or even hurt me anymore. The useless are cut off, the useful are kept around and friends are good no matter what form they come in - keeps you entertained for those moments you don't want to be alone.

After enough ppl slap you around enough times you step back and take a hard look inside and say, "Why the fuck am I even accepting this kind of behaviour? Fuck that! I'm worth more to me and I will do right by me even if that leaves me alone. So be it."

Snapshots

2006-05-30T17:49:00.000-04:00

They stopped to pose for me.

Rainbows are pretty.

Representing the West Indies vs India ODI series.

Co-co-nut anyone?

Hmm. What do you think?

Strength

2006-05-22T00:02:00.000-04:00

Two new realizations I've come to:

1) Never doubt yourself. Doubt exhibits a lack of confidence in your own character - a character flaw. And if you aren't flawed what are you doubting.

2) When ppl try to exert control over other situations they are actually showing their lack of control over themselves. The only thing you can actually truly control is yourself. Questioning who did what and why is an absolute waste of time. That is their cross to bear - not yours.

The path to God lies in first knowing yourself. Or so says Dr. Deepak Chopra. And I agree.

Interesting times of personal growth, travel and strength.

:)

P.S. - The pic above is strength written in sanskrit ie shakti.

Still I Rise

2006-05-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

Pablo Neruda

2006-05-21T10:07:00.000-04:00

"They can cut the flowers, but they can't stop the spring."

" Everything on the earth bristled, the bramble
pricked and the green thread
nibbled away, the petal fell, falling
until the only flower was the falling itself.
Water is another matter,
has no direction but its own bright grace,
runs through all imaginable colors,
takes limpid lessons
from stone,
and in those functionings plays out
the unrealized ambitions of the foam. "

" Before I loved you, love, nothing was my own:
I wavered through the streets, among
objects:
nothing mattered or had a name:
the world was made of air, which waited.

I knew rooms full of ashes,
tunnels where the moon lived,
rough warehouses that growled 'get lost',
questions that insisted in the sand.

Everything was empty, dead, mute,
fallen abandoned, and decayed:
inconceivably alien, it all

belonged to someone else - to no one:
till your beauty and your poverty
filled the autumn plentiful with gifts."

" I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. "

" I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue. "

- Pablo Neruda

Operation Theater

2006-05-18T19:33:00.000-04:00

Two circumcisions.

Two inguinal hernias.

Two chest wall cystecotomies.

One neck cystectomy.

Two colonoscopies.

One cholecystectomy.

One leg amputation (below knee).

Eight hours of surgery - nonstop - no lunch, no breaks. All completed. One more fascinating than the next. Burning human flesh smells like chicken or burning hair. Thick blood smells like sea water. Bone grinds smells like nail-filing. The look of a leg once severed from the body is quite interesting and completely different. Every one is safe and resting. I am chilling with a beer in one hand, a cigarette in another.

I have a whole new look - a brand new perspective of the human body - the way a doctor looks at it and the way a normal person looks at it are both completely different.

This is the most satisfied I have felt - ever. :)

And so it is...

2006-05-17T18:06:00.000-04:00

We have twelve surgeries scheduled for tomorrow. In the OR from 730am until about 5pm. One of the surgeries is a half leg amputation due to gangrene. At bedside this morning during rounds, when I took the dressing off this guy's foot the smell that arose - the putrid stench - makes cow dung smell like flowers. I had to do everything in my power to keep from vomitting. As it turns out the patient's increased blood sugar won't let the wound heal and the wound in turn is causing the increased blood sugar. Our efforts at controlling his GMR are going nowhere. We have no choice left but to amputate. It's sad but inevitable - if not he could die altogether.

Told another patient he was terminally ill today. Stage 4 colon cancer that has metastisized to the liver and gall bladder. Came in with jaundice - prolly won't leave alive.

That's my thoughts for tonite.

'Nite all.

Narcissistic Abuser

2006-05-16T00:51:00.000-04:00

I decided to do some research on my current "thesis" (as per BBCD) after an anonymous commenter posted on the abuse article below. I thought if it helps someone out then why not. It also ends up teaching me things I don't know about the topic. Anyhow, thought this was good enough to post here. Found it here.

I began this and as others sent me more, I added them to make this a collaborative list. Thank you all.
1 Self-centered. His needs are paramount.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3 Unreliable, undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions.

5. Projects his faults on to others. High
blaming behavior; never his fault.

6. Little if any conscience.

. 7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9.. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10. People are to be manipulated for his needs.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps
talking, changes the subject or gets angry.

12. Pathological lying.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14. No real values. Mostly situational.

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods.

17. Uses sex to control

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.

19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.

22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.

23. Moody - switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.

25. Seldom expresses appreciation.

26. Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does.

27. Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.

28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.

29. He breaks woman's spirits to keep them dependent.

30.Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.

31. Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32. Highly contradictory.

33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.

34. Hides his real self. Always “on”

35. Kind only if he's getting from you what he wants.

36. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.

37. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.

40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"

41. Always feels misunderstood.

42. You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.

43. Does not listen because he does not care.

44. His feelings are discussed, not the partners.

45. Is not interested in problem-solving..

46. Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them.

Motivation

2006-05-15T13:25:00.000-04:00

Talk about needing some sort of motivation to change your lifestyle -- I have the quickest fix ever:

1 - Take a walk around a surgery ward and look at all those in bed. Most patients are overweight. The aftereffects of Diabetes - half cut up feet. Eeep.
2 - Watch the movie Supersize Me.

Looks like I will be changing my lifestyle completely. And everytime I want to go back to being who I have been I'll just watch the movie again.

Now if only someone could come out with Marlboro Me or something!!

Sleep come now

2006-05-15T02:15:00.001-04:00

2:13 am - can't sleep. Sitting here with a peg with Dil Cheez Kya Hain playing in the background - actually I think it's a double. Whiskey on the rocks. Rounds at 8am tomorrow morning.

"Dil cheez kya hain aap meri jaan lijiye
bas ek baar mera kahaa maan lijiye...
Is anjumun mein aapko aana hain baar baar,
deewaron darr ko ghor se pehchan lijiye."

*takes a moment to think back to fond old college memories.*

In some facets of my life the way I think is actually very useful - ie my career. In the other facets of my life it is such a fucking curse. :S Hopefully sleep will come soon.

Love the Menace

2006-05-13T14:47:00.000-04:00

I guess it has finally come to the point where I can accept the fact that despite whatever happened I still love her. Sometimes it doesn't really matter how horrible the person was to you. You still find yourself loving them and then you know, you feel in your gut that it was real.

gabriel garcia marquez writes, "...i became aware the invincible power that has moved the world is unrequited, not happy, love." -- quote provided by femmemenace

And with that having been said.....

That chapter of my life is now closed.

Love Sucks

2006-05-13T05:23:00.001-04:00

I think of her constantly.
I love her very much.
I miss her terribly.

WHY THE FUCK, WHY THE FUCK, WHY THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKK............

IS THIS SO DAMN HARD!!

Rage

2006-05-12T00:47:00.000-04:00

Current thoughts:

"Things that are done, it is needless to speak about. Things that are past, it is needless to blame."
- Confucius

I've decided to turn the page into a new chapter in the book of my life.

There are things in life that happen to each of us. Things we can never talk about cuz whatever we say it will never do it justice and whatever they say they will never get it. Truth is that it is your life and no one else needs to "get it". It would be nice for the people who claim to love you to understand you - or better yet - to want to understand you but, that too, is an ideal. I guess many of us live in a fantasy of love, acceptance, understanding, etc because there are some that are lucky enough to get it and because it's easier living life believing in something better than what reality is.

I have decided (with the help of my blogger friends) that things happen. Most of it is out of our control. And it is just better to let it go. There's a time for walking that extra step and there is a time for stepping back and just closing it all away in the closet in your own mind.

I realized today, that in all the time I have spent trying I have lost too much. I was to have passed two major hurdles in MY life which ended up on a backburner. I put all my efforts into something that I shouldn't have. And no one else is to blame but me. These milestones will either make me or break me and it's not going to make a stitch of a difference in anyone else's life whether I make it or not.

I've taken to praying again. I find my strength in prayer. And somehow, whenever my life is in complete shambles I feel it call out to me. Like,

"I am here - Look to me. "

Inside me there is a rage, a blind fury that comes from feeling out of control and giving in to circumstances I wish I had not. And when instigated some of it comes out. I want to lash back, hit back and keep hitting til the person never thinks of taking advantage or pushing those limits. But I can never bring myself to do that. Out of retaliation I hit some people back - and even though I hit them BACK for hitting me first and ignoring my requests to stop - I walked away feeling like shit for lifting my hands. There was only one time in my life that I hit someone and felt good about it. That kinda power over someone never appealed to me probably because I've seen the after effects of blind rage.

And when a situation is over and I have time to reflect the unfair actions and the cruel words of a person bring that rage out. It's always harder for me to see something when I am in the middle of it. When I give myself space and distance I see it for what it truly was. And once I get that clarity there isn't a thing you can say to justify it. And forgiveness - well that is granted very difficultly. It's a very slow process and I give loads of patience and an ample amount of time to a person to hang themselves.

So, I have turned to prayer.

It won't be long before this time will have passed.

666

2006-05-12T00:44:00.000-04:00

Saw this while driving right off the highway. Actually made me giggle to myself. Brace yourself world - Armageddon has finally come. Shall we celebrate or run scared?? Or just keep drinkin? Any ideas?

Metta

2006-05-11T06:23:00.000-04:00

This calligraphic character stands for love, a Buddhist concept referred to as metta. Metta literally means friendliness in Pali, the ancient Indian language in which the Theravada Buddhist scriptures were written. It is a broad concept, encompassing loving kindness, love, friendliness, and universal compassion. In true Buddhist spirit, it signifies love without a desire to possess but with a desire to help, to sacrifice self-interest for the welfare and well-being of humanity. Thus, it is a feeling of boundless love towards all living creatures and the desire to make others happy without discrimination. Metta reflects not only an emotion, but also entails doing charitable deeds.

The character is painted in a circle set inside a square symbolizing that love is a blending of complimentary energies: yin and yang, male and female, internal and external, and emotion and intellect.

Desi Pride Moment. :)

2006-05-11T04:43:00.000-04:00

At Home: American Masala

Have you ever....

2006-05-09T05:31:00.000-04:00

Have you ever told someone things in confidence so they could get to know you better and they have used those very same statements against you?

Have you ever loved someone enough to let them completely misuse the "power" you have given them?

Have you ever hurt so much that your insides feel like they are in a washing machine?

Have you ever been so angry that everything you see is tainted in red?

Have you ever presented a completely contradictory picture of yourself to the world whilst feeling something completely different on the inside?

Have you ever spent two whole months drinking every night to forget what happened - what you let happen?

Have you ever felt tears slide down ur face as you watch something on tv that reminds u of someone?

Have you ever felt haunted?

Have you ever looked evil directly in the eye whilst it did everything in its power to destroy you?

Have you ever felt so drained that you don't even have the strength for revenge?

Have you had this happen to you over and over again?

Have you ever lived completely out of character just because you hate yourself so much?

Have you any idea of the sense of rejection, insecurity, loss, fragility, pain, ugliness it can fill a person with??

Have you any idea the unsurmountable amount of strength it takes for you to move on from all of this??

Have you ever kept it all inside the confines of the walls of your mind??

Hmm.

I HAVE.

Abusive Behaviors In Relationships

2006-05-09T00:27:00.000-04:00



Abusive relationships are no longer exclusively for heterosexual couples -- if they ever were. Although women have the reputation of being loving and nurturing, we are also quite capable of being abusive in our relationships. In one recent online poll there were a number of women who admitted they were unsure if they had ever been involved in an abusive relationship. Admittedly, there are many levels and types of abuse, so I believe it is understandable that someone could be unsure if their relationship would be termed as simply a painful experience or fully defined as an abusive relationship. Then, of course, there is the shame one feels in being a victim of abuse. The question of "how could I have allowed it to happen?" comes to mind, followed immediately with shame and feelings of guilt. Once you have admitted to yourself that the situation was abusive, you then must acknowledge the length of time you allowed it to continue. As if the pain of the abuse was not enough, now you must accept, acknowledge and forgive yourself. Far easier said than done, as we all know. Well, before we beat ourselves up with shame and guilt, it is important that we learn the dynamics of abuse, since most women become victims from ignorance rather than intent. CONTROL The first step toward an abusive situation is where one partner relinquishes control over her life. Few women intentionally turn control of their lives over to their partners - rather it is something that starts as an insignificant situation that then grows to encompass her entire existence. Go through the following list and see how much or little applies to you and your relationship. Control Through Criticism: She makes me feel like I never do anything right. Nothing is ever good enough. She makes me feel like I'm not supportive and loving enough. Her compliments are often backhanded: "You look attractive for the first time in ages." She dismisses my insecurities as unimportant telling me that my feelings are stupid. She calls me derogatory names like whore, dummy or a bitch. She often corrects things I say or do - Only her way is the right way. When we are around others I am tense because I expect to be humiliated about something I have done. Control Through Moodiness, Anger and Threats I am afraid she will be mad if I am the least bit late. She expects me to read her mind and loses her temper when I cannot. I am often tense around the house because I do not know what will set her off. She blows up and stops talking to me when I do something that she judges to be wrong. When she is silent I have to figure out what I've done wrong and how to fix it. When she is depressed I am expected to cheer her up. She tells me she'll never let me leave her. Control Through Overprotection and Caring She does not like when I am away from home because she worries about me too much. She becomes jealous when I talk to others. She often calls or drops by work to see if I am okay. She does all errands so I do not have to go out. She says I do not need to work, as she wants to take care of me. She picks out my clothes so I will look just right. She takes me to work and picks me up after so the people I work with won't get any ideas. She encourages me to drink or take drugs so we can "share" the experience. Control Through Denying Your Perceptions She will act very cruelly and then say I am too sensitive and cannot take a joke. She often breaks promises and then claims to have never made the promise. She makes a scene in public and then will accuse me of exaggerating or fabricating. She shows excessive interest in my emotions and tries to convince me I need a shrink. She says I often imagine things. She hits me then asks how I got hurt. She makes me cry and then tells me I am hysterical and wonders why I upset myself. She says she can help me fix my character defects, and makes lists of my faults. When trying to talk seriously with her, she will treat me as though I am upset when I am not. Control by Ignoring Your Needs and Opinions She never helps when the kids or I are sick - denying promises to help. She expects me to drop whatever I am doing when she wants my attention. When I am talking she will interrupt, twist my words or forget what I just said. She changes the subject as soon as I attempt to resolve a problem. When I express my opinion she either does not respond or makes fun of me. I cannot make plans because she will not show up when expected or show up unexpectedly. Control Through Decision Making She always has to have the last word. Even though we come to an agreement, she will go out and do the opposite. If I try to discuss a decision she made without consulting me, she labels it as harping. She says some subjects are not open to discussion. She says that it is her responsibility to make the decisions for the family. She says that it is her responsibility to make decisions for the children. Control Through Money She will not share information about our financial situation. I must account for any money I spend. She spends money without thought, but will blame me angrily when there is none left. I have to ask for money when I need it. She says I should be glad to support her financially. She gives me everything I want, but reminds me I could never live so well without her. She does not work - she takes money from me or steals my stuff and sells it. Control Through Shifting Responsibility If I tell her she is being bossy and overly critical, she tells me I am immature. She blames me for her inability to stay sober. She says that if I ever leave her, she'll kill herself and I will be to blame. When she lost her job she blamed me and now refuses to look for work. She blames the children and me for her loss of temper. She blames me for her loss of control and claims she is always good-natured with others. Control Through Limiting Contact With Other People She starts a fight when I want to go out. She does not like me to spend time with my family - either with or without her. She says I never give enough of myself to her, that I spend all my time on others. Although she does not say it, I feel as if she wants me to ask permission to go somewhere. She grills me about what happened whenever I go out. She accuses me of having affairs. She made me late for work so many times I lost my job. When I spend time with friends, she accuses me of ignoring her. Control Through Physical Intimidation She blocks the door so I cannot leave during an argument. When angry, she stands very close to me while clenching her fists. I feel afraid when we argue, so I stop. She throws and breaks things when angry. She destroys my clothing and personal things. She will not leave me alone when I ask her to do so. She will not let me sleep. Control Through Sexual Humiliation She pressures me to have sex in ways that make me uncomfortable. She makes sexual jokes about me to other people and in front of the children. She makes fun of my body. She tries to seduce my friends and family members. She forces me to dress in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. She compares me to other women. Control Through Physical and Sexual Violence She throws things at me. She beats my head against the wall. She chokes me. She kicks me. She shoves and pushes me. She hits me. She forces me to have sex with others. She rapes me. She threatens me with weapons. She hurts me and then will not let me go to the hospital or see a doctor. How many behaviors did you never notice until you asked yourself these questions? How many behaviors did you previously consider acceptable? I leave the answers up to you.

Abusive relationships are no longer exclusively for heterosexual couples -- if they ever were. Although women have the reputation of being loving and nurturing, we are also quite capable of being abusive in our relationships. In one recent online poll there were a number of women who admitted they were unsure if they had ever been involved in an abusive relationship. Admittedly, there are many levels and types of abuse, so I believe it is understandable that someone could be unsure if their relationship would be termed as simply a painful experience or fully defined as an abusive relationship.

Then, of course, there is the shame one feels in being a victim of abuse. The question of "how could I have allowed it to happen?" comes to mind, followed immediately with shame and feelings of guilt. Once you have admitted to yourself that the situation was abusive, you then must acknowledge the length of time you allowed it to continue. As if the pain of the abuse was not enough, now you must accept, acknowledge and forgive yourself. Far easier said than done, as we all know.

Well, before we beat ourselves up with shame and guilt, it is important that we learn the dynamics of abuse, since most women become victims from ignorance rather than intent.

CONTROL
The first step toward an abusive situation is where one partner relinquishes control over her life. Few women intentionally turn control of their lives over to their partners - rather it is something that starts as an insignificant situation that then grows to encompass her entire existence.

Go through the following list and see how much or little applies to you and your relationship.

Control Through Criticism:
She makes me feel like I never do anything right. Nothing is ever good enough. She makes me feel like I'm not supportive and loving enough. Her compliments are often backhanded: "You look attractive for the first time in ages." She dismisses my insecurities as unimportant telling me that my feelings are stupid. She calls me derogatory names like whore, dummy or a bitch. She often corrects things I say or do - Only her way is the right way. When we are around others I am tense because I expect to be humiliated about something I have done.

Control Through Moodiness, Anger and Threats

I am afraid she will be mad if I am the least bit late.

She expects me to read her mind and loses her temper when I cannot.

I am often tense around the house because I do not know what will set her off.

She blows up and stops talking to me when I do something that she judges to be wrong.

When she is silent I have to figure out what I've done wrong and how to fix it.

When she is depressed I am expected to cheer her up.

She tells me she'll never let me leave her.

Control Through Overprotection and Caring

She does not like when I am away from home because she worries about me too much.

She becomes jealous when I talk to others.

She often calls or drops by work to see if I am okay.

She does all errands so I do not have to go out.

She says I do not need to work, as she wants to take care of me.

She picks out my clothes so I will look just right.

She takes me to work and picks me up after so the people I work with won't get any ideas.

She encourages me to drink or take drugs so we can "share" the experience.

Control Through Denying Your Perceptions

She will act very cruelly and then say I am too sensitive and cannot take a joke.

She often breaks promises and then claims to have never made the promise.

She makes a scene in public and then will accuse me of exaggerating or fabricating.

She shows excessive interest in my emotions and tries to convince me I need a shrink.

She says I often imagine things.

She hits me then asks how I got hurt.

She makes me cry and then tells me I am hysterical and wonders why I upset myself.

She says she can help me fix my character defects, and makes lists of my faults.

When trying to talk seriously with her, she will treat me as though I am upset when I am not.

Control by Ignoring Your Needs and Opinions

She never helps when the kids or I are sick - denying promises to help.

She expects me to drop whatever I am doing when she wants my attention.

When I am talking she will interrupt, twist my words or forget what I just said.

She changes the subject as soon as I attempt to resolve a problem.

When I express my opinion she either does not respond or makes fun of me.

I cannot make plans because she will not show up when expected or show up unexpectedly.

Control Through Decision Making

She always has to have the last word.

Even though we come to an agreement, she will go out and do the opposite.

If I try to discuss a decision she made without consulting me, she labels it as harping.

She says some subjects are not open to discussion.

She says that it is her responsibility to make the decisions for the family.

She says that it is her responsibility to make decisions for the children.

Control Through Money

She will not share information about our financial situation.

I must account for any money I spend.

She spends money without thought, but will blame me angrily when there is none left.

I have to ask for money when I need it.

She says I should be glad to support her financially.

She gives me everything I want, but reminds me I could never live so well without her.

She does not work - she takes money from me or steals my stuff and sells it.

Control Through Shifting Responsibility

If I tell her she is being bossy and overly critical, she tells me I am immature.

She blames me for her inability to stay sober.

She says that if I ever leave her, she'll kill herself and I will be to blame.

When she lost her job she blamed me and now refuses to look for work.

She blames the children and me for her loss of temper.

She blames me for her loss of control and claims she is always good-natured with others.

Control Through Limiting Contact With Other People

She starts a fight when I want to go out.

She does not like me to spend time with my family - either with or without her.

She says I never give enough of myself to her, that I spend all my time on others.

Although she does not say it, I feel as if she wants me to ask permission to go somewhere.

She grills me about what happened whenever I go out.

She accuses me of having affairs.

She made me late for work so many times I lost my job.

When I spend time with friends, she accuses me of ignoring her.

Control Through Physical Intimidation

She blocks the door so I cannot leave during an argument.

When angry, she stands very close to me while clenching her fists.

I feel afraid when we argue, so I stop.

She throws and breaks things when angry.

She destroys my clothing and personal things.

She will not leave me alone when I ask her to do so.

She will not let me sleep.

Control Through Sexual Humiliation

She pressures me to have sex in ways that make me uncomfortable.

She makes sexual jokes about me to other people and in front of the children.

She makes fun of my body.

She tries to seduce my friends and family members.

She forces me to dress in ways that make me feel uncomfortable.

She compares me to other women.

Control Through Physical and Sexual Violence

She throws things at me.

She beats my head against the wall.

She chokes me.

She kicks me.

She shoves and pushes me.

She hits me.

She forces me to have sex with others.

She rapes me.

She threatens me with weapons.

She hurts me and then will not let me go to the hospital or see a doctor.

How many behaviors did you never notice until you asked yourself these questions? How many behaviors did you previously consider acceptable? I leave the answers up to you.

Sniff Cough Sniff

2006-05-08T20:15:00.000-04:00

Back and nothing has been accomplished yet. I've been hit with some bug. Cough, runny nose, sinuses stuffed to the max, fever and very limited range of movement thanks to my back. Spent the day in bed doped out on nasal decongestants, antihistamines, cough syrup and pain relievers. Managed to get myself to the grocery store to get some food. Mom called twice to check up on me - bless her - she's spent way too much time worrying about me recently. Thank god she is coming to visit soon.

I have realized that I cannot spend my time here constantly anymore and will be taking more frequent trips out.

TV today is just ridiculous. On ET today they showed Amy Fisher and Mary J Buttafuoco reunite and confront each other after some 15 years. They both sat opposite each other and tried to clarify things. I don't see the point. The damage that had to be done was done and has even healed. I give Fisher alot of credit for coming out to face her mistakes. It takes one helluva person to do that. I give Buttafuoco credit for actually having a big enough heart to forgive her and look her in the face without contempt. I hate ppl like Joey Buttafuoco.

A question on Jeopardy was - "I am known as the original deep throat." - Thought that was hysterical.

Caught up on my blog reading today since I havent had much time for the past month to do so. Spent loads of time on my fave blog - Clublife.

*sneeze* *cough* - ughhhh! Feel like my brain's gonna blow outta my ears. My head hurts.

Spent a bit of time reflecting on my trip and it brought a smile to my face.

It sucks to have to get up to do stuff when you're sick - although I've done it my whole life I still never stop wishing I didn't have to. I need a cup of tea.

Surgery rotation starts wednesday. Just thinking about it is making me tired right now.

Gonna go rest my eyelids.

Saying Goodbye....Again

2006-05-07T18:24:00.000-04:00

Life seems like a series of hellos and goodbyes. Living in two places at once, always out of a suitcase and the place you call home isn't really home. And the place you visit is more home than anywhere else. It's been four hours and I miss NY already. This place fucking sucks - a shit stain on the map. Paradise isn't paradise anymore when you're the only one there, talking to yourself and eating coconuts to survive. Okay, so I am being melodramatic - but I am a woman and am entitled to my dramatic moments. But I really do hate it here now. I just want to go back to NY and move on with life. Make money, live in one of the places the realtor showed me this time, graduate and make my own standing. I've done it before and it's such a drug - and being in this position was okay for a while but now, at the butt end, it's just getting to me.

I fell in love again. It took me a month to do so, but I have found my new love. She has a heart of gold, is very moody, loves to be pampered, is the most beautiful I have ever laid eyes on, is perfect in almost everyday, loves attention, ignores you if you dont give it to her, you can totally get lost in all that she has to offer, all her different sides, all her colors, all her scents, all her looks, she has it all. New York baby. She is one helluva babe. After all I've done in this past month there is none other like her. Bombay is a close second. But still second.

I will be publishing a list of places I visited on this trip - bars, clubs, lounges, restaurants, etc. with my own lil reviews to go along with it.

Yes, that's right - wait with baited breathe....

Awakenings

2006-05-06T05:53:00.000-04:00

Few really weird revelations I had tonite -

1) People don't want to hear the truth so you're better off keeping it to yourself. Confessions are over-rated.

2) It is a very small small world. You never know who you are going to run into and when so always be prepared.

3) Silence is key. The more time you spend silent and listen the more ppl reveal themselves.

4) Observation is great power. Believing and having faith in your ability to observe is greater.

*small prayer* thank god I have always been good to people - I have never been in a situation where I have not been able to meet eye to eye with someone from my past. :)

I guess there are blessings in everything we are and everything we do.

Even now - I know there isn't a person I have met in my life that I wouldn't be able to look in the eye if I were to meet em again. I know I have always been clean, good, true, honest and sincere. (the benefits of being sincere)

Good night folks.

On a sidenote - my mom has been really worried about me. I had a pretty bad car accident two months back followed by three really bad falls back to back. All of which fucked up my back leaving me bedridden and useless. I am well now. Recently, I have been having some very very very near death experiences whilst driving the car - and no it has nothing to do with my drinking!!!!!!

Surprisingly, everytime I find myself in a *almost accident* it is while I am sober. Anyhow, I have had four very very close to death experiences and now mom wants to have a pooja for my safety. Her funda "how long will you escape it all" and "maybe someone up there is trying to tell you something that you just arent able to hear." -- well and good mom but what is it exactly. The only time I am not in those situations irrespective of the speed I drive at is when I am drinking so what is the higher power trying to tell me - keep drinking. I doubt it. Hmmm. I wonder - what is trying to be said and I am not hearing.

a site with a worthwhile message - 100% Human

Nothing to talk about...

2006-05-05T16:14:00.000-04:00

So, instead why don't you guys check these sites out. :)

Bang Bang, You're Alive - Sepia Mutiny Article

and

43Things

Something Relevant

2006-05-04T03:53:00.000-04:00

“Bad art is more tragically beautiful than good art because it documents human failure.” - Stay (the movie)

"Zindagi dhua tho kya,
Bhuj gayi har subha tho kya,
Rhoota mujhse khuda tho kya,
Ho gaye hum juda tho kya.
Faasle thein hazaaron darmiyan,
Waqt keh thein hazaaron imtihaan,
Phir banke nishaan,
Tere hothon keh,
Kisi konay mein,
Hansi khi tarah main mehfuz hoon.
Teri aankhon keh,
Chippe dard mein,
Aansoon khi tarah,
Main mehfuz hoon.
Mehfuz hoon...
Beywajah har wajah tho kya,
Beygunaahi hain gunah tho kya,
Beyasar hain dua tho kya,
Ho gaaye hum juda tho kya.
Raaz gehre hazaaron beypanah,
Lavz tehre hazaaron beyzubaan.
Phir bhi banke nishaan,
Tere hothon keh,
Kisi konay mein,
Hansi khi tarah,
Main mehfuz hoon.
Tere geysoon keh,
Uday paano mein,
Yaadon khi tarah,
Mehfuz hoon...teri aankhon mein.
Mehfuz hoon...teri yaadon mein.
Mehfuz hoon...teri baaton mein.
Mehfuz hoon...tere vaadon mein.
Faasle thein hazaaron darmiyan,
Waqt khi thee hazaaron aandhiyan,
Phir banke nishaan...Haan...
Tere hothon keh,
Kisi konay mein,
Hansi khi tarah,
Main mehfuz hoon.
Tere kande keh,
Chippe dil mein,
Vaadon khi tarah,
Mehfuz hoon.
Tere hothon keh....."

- Mehfuz by Euphoria

Just Another Night

2006-05-03T03:06:00.000-04:00

Spent another night planning and scheming how to get drunk. This is definitely a very bad habit. Reminds me of freshman year of college when I couldn't see anything past my face. Just a haze - a very thick fog.

Met up with one friend, then some more joined and then picked up another one. Some nonsense insued that I can't remember. They made fun of each other and I just kept drinking. Within an hour I was where I wanted to be. I ordered some take out and ate and then left. Who said what and why is all a mystery. I was just in it to kill some time and give myself someone to drink with.

I took off at some point and where or how I got home is still a mystery. Yes, I know, shame shame - seriously though - "you are endangering the lives of others!!!" I know. But I swear I drove home at no more than 60 mph. I even stopped for cigs.

Yes, it is that bad. Yes, I feel like a loser. Yes, I am older and should be acting in a more responsible fashion. I agree to it all. But you are not me and you are not living what I am feeling and at the present moment -- nothing you or anyone else says matters -- it's all about what I am feeling and what I NEED to do to cope with it all. I know - this too shall pass - but it hasn't passed yet.

Someone keep me away from a keyboard when I am like this. I never know how out of hand I may get and how much I may actually confess.

I miss the islands. The simplicity and sheer freedom. No cops, no speed limits, no radar guns and no random pedestrians or drivers to worry about.

Song for tonite - "You may not be a movie star, you may not drive a big fast car, but I love you in every way, I love you in every way, I don't know why...Oh why, I don't know why...!" Someone sang the song to me in a club - very random - and although I know it wasn't sung for me - I know it was an old memory and the person was actually thinking of someone or something else (some other time) - it still left a lasting memory in my mind. So much so that I went outta my way to find out what the song was, all the while having no idea who it was sung by or what the title of it was. The power of living in the caribbean. :)

Whatever.

Hope you all had a good night.

:)

Diabolical Lessons

2006-05-02T00:39:00.000-04:00

Before I go into my new "thesis" on the dynamics of abusive relationships let me take tonite to actually answer the question that's most obvious. I want to do it before I look anything up so as to keep my answers as unbiased and completely subjective as possible.

Why did I stay??

Whenever you deal with an abusive scenario - after it's all over you ask yourself why you stayed.

Let's look at it one relationship at a time:

Parents: Because they are your parents. They are the providers and because everything they do is right no matter how wrong it may seem to you. Because they know what is good for you well before you even understand the difference between good and bad. Because you follow them since birth and you know no other way to be. Because you have no choice. Because you believe that deep down they do love you. Because before God come your parents and that is just the way it is. Now, please, do not get me wrong. I have not lived a sad life. I always got what I wanted when I wanted it be it clothing, private schooling, a car at 16, etc. On the outside, my life was pretty much picture perfect. We looked like your average, financially comfortable desi family. But inside we harbored great secrets. Growing up what bothered me was always the question - is it cuz they love me or is it the image behind the whole thing? Is it love or is it guilt?

Husband: You make a very public commitment to live your life with this man. You have saved yourself for this moment. From this point on he is your everything - your family. You have a responsibility, a duty towards making it work. I do not like to back away from commitments or responsibility. I learnt very early in life how to handle mine. It's a sign of loss, of failure - no matter what your reasons. And usually the failure is blamed on the woman - in our community at least.

Relationship 1: I believed she was genuinely plagued with her own demons causing her much strife and altering her personality from what she believed herself to be. I believed with love and stability she would "get better" or maybe a better word is heal. And as she would heal she would become more of who she was. Once again, I felt responsible for her. I saw her as a weak child in desperate need.

Relationship 2: I am going to work thru as I write -

Sex: No, cuz although it was good and there was a chemistry she made me feel guilty about it. And I always felt physically inadequate cuz of her comparisons of me and her exes or her comments about how she had changed me or how I need to do this or that to be more and better.

Love: Well, I know she never did. Someone who is busy cheating on you the whole while can't love you. Someone who fights with you, curses at you, degrades where you come from and everything you are trying to make you "better", someone who puts you down and makes you feel like shit, someone who asks you questions to spin you into a web just so she can be right, someone who raises her hands at you doesn't love you. And never did.

But I did love her and that may be a reason. Although, after all those abovementioned statements, I am not sure why.

Conversation: Hmm. That's a 30/70. She did most of the talking and I the listening. But she did make me laugh.

Money: Hahahahahahaha. Yeah ok!!!

Looks: Erm - nope.

My reasons for staying with her was purely faith and denial. Faith in the possibility of love. Faith in people and faith in ideals. And denial of the fact that someone could be so fucked up. I felt as though it was a personal battle for my own beliefs. SO MUCH FOR THAT.

The cummulative affect of the past relationships and some 10 years or so of my life has left me truly jaded. What I have lived my life believing has remained a fairy tale. What have been my worst nightmares have all come true. The fact that almost every person I have ever met in my life has been abusive in some fashion or another leaves me lying on the ground with the wind knocked outta me. Having seen and dealt with abuse I know the repurcussions it has on people and would never subject someone to that kind of scarring. . Scars that take forever to heal and sometimes - never really do. The fact that there are people out there who subject others to this type of treatment leaves me livid beyond belief.

I can't understand how these types of people live their lives with any kind of conviction. I know corporate America is full of white collar psychos. I know people are, generally, capable of anything. I know now that I could have gotten away with doing almost anything as well. Except, of course, having to look myself in the mirror. But one has to have a heart and a conscience for that.

I do know this much though - I think I know almost all the signs of a psycho abuser now. And will prolly be able to spot them a mile away. I know what I am willing to deal with and what I will never condone. I now know - my personal limitations. I know I am no longer willing to tell anyone I meet about my past life. There is nothing about it I want to share. I know now that there are no such things as ideals and one can no longer afford to get carried away in the idea of love. I know now that there are many more ugly people out there than nice people.

I am still continuing to learn.

Fluff

2006-05-01T23:54:00.000-04:00

Stupid facts about my life currently -

I heard the song "dil diya hain jaan bhi deynge ae watan tere liye.." tonite. Reminded me of my time in Mumbai. There is always a slight tug at my heart in patriotic situations. Born an Indian so the des khi mitti is in the blood. Hmm.

I realized two nights ago that I have been drinking every night for the past three weeks and pretty much no less than four times a week for the past two months. My medical expertise (hahaha) says that I am way over the top and will give my half cirrohsed liver very little time if I keep this up. But every beemari needs a dawa - especially so when it involves matters of the heart. But to my own benefit, have managed to not drink for two nights thus far.

I rented Stay, Hostel and North Country tonite. Watched Hostel alone, in the dark and didn't even flinch. Guess there isn't much left that actually scares me anymore. I can't remember the last time a movie actually scared me.

I change the channel when there is some lovey dovey shit on whether it be tv, movie or song.

I've stopped watching the L word.

I was called an "undercover FOB" a coupla nights ago by a friend. We were in the car driving and I had some music playing and when she heard it she was like "You're such an undercover FOB." And I was like "Yeah, how's that?" (laughing). So she says, "Yeah, there are some hand movements, some FOB accented things and then the music. But you're not in your face about it. Like, looking at you one can't tell but after talking to you it becomes a bit more obvious. It's just who you are."

I was asked today if I am seeing anyone. My answer - "Yes, I am having a menage e trois with me, myself and I."

I have visited three different continents, six clubs, six bars, four theme parties and one strip club in the past three weeks. Thanks to this I have seen some very interesting things and met some new people. And despite all this, have managed to get my work done.

I watched a woman perform her own version of Stigmata on stage at a bar under the influence of alcohol and something (don't know what the something was) but she was oblivious to what a fool she was making of herself. Too bad her friends were recording her.

I was always uncomfortable in lesbian settings before. Now, I have finally come to terms with being out and about in the lesbian world. And what a world it is!!! Can't say I'm completely at ease walking into a bar by myself - but I surely won't have any hesitations in the company of friends.

A friend told me she is bisexual because lesbians are psychotic and dramatic. She says it's easier to date men. My thoughts on the topic are that I have a very high respect for men after dating women. They put up with way tooooo much. How the hell do you do it????

On a complete sidenote:I just remembered this. the other day i was driving in a very busy area. i was driving past a signal that had just turned green and was in the intersection when a bmw came screeching out the of block that still had the red light at 30-40 mph. i looked to my left completely flustered looking at the car coming head on into my door. it was happening way to fast for me to react. looking at the car trying to figure out what was going on and what was going to happen i realized that there was a man hanging out of the car on the driver's side while someone else was driving it away. this man's feet were dragging on the road and the driver was speeding up instead of slowing down. suddenly the car in the lane next to me jutted out and hit the bmw throwing it off it's path (on the way to hitting me). from where i was standing it looked as though the man had been squashed between the van and the bmw. once the car had collided the driver seemed to get very nervous, opened the door and the guy fell out of the car. the driver got out and ran past my car escaping the scene completely and the poor man tumbled over four times finally stopping when he hit the curb. while i was pulling into a parking spot i called the cops. i parked the car and walked over to the man. felt his pulse and made sure he didnt get up while we waited for the ambulance to show up. upon my inspection the man was okay. there wasn't any bleeding, no protrusions, no obvious broken bones. he was shook up but alert, oriented and concious. he asked to use my phone and even asked me to grab his keys from his car. i did both and then told the ambulance what had happened. the cops and ambulance asked me how i had managed to remain so calm when i was the one who was going to get hit and how i knew about his pulses and orientation. i told them i was a third year medical student. the paramedic went on to ask me a few more questions, followed by the police and all of em referred to me as doctor which was weird. i still havent managed to get accustomed to that. i mean it happens back in the islands, but that's different. it's all so official here. hmm. the outcome was overall ok. it looked as though he suffered many minor injuries and no one got hurt although there were so many ppl around that could have. just a few seconds would have made all the difference. lesson - when it isn't your time nothing can take you.

Disorder

2006-05-01T04:27:00.000-04:00

Thought one for tonight listed above.

Thought two is I do not understand how fucked up people live with themselves. How do they look themselves in the mirror every morning as they get ready to go to work. How do they have the audacity to tell themselves that they are good people. How can someone bring themselves to hit another person. What gives them that right in their minds? What makes them think that putting their hands on someone else is justified.

Thought three is about my latest trip to the temple which actually answered all these questions for me. The trip was more of a familial obligation rather than a personal whim. Although it was highly refreshing to be surrounded by familiar settings and spirituality it wasn't something I would have chosen to do at this current time. Personal mood settings are on "fuck off" at this time. But what was talked about at the temple was freakishly coincidental and relevant. The topic was about how limiting someone's freedom is a sin. We should not limit another's freedom and should treat people as we would like to be treated. Just like we do not like to be nagged, abused, mistreated - is the way you should treat others. The other topic was about how we choose to view others and life in general. If you are a bad person you will view everyone as having ill-intent. And if you are a good person you will only see the good in others. Your processing centers will only pick up on what it wants to and not what is necessarily true. So, if someone only sees bad things in you there is a very high probability that they are not a very good person themselves. If someone is always accusational it's bcuz they are doing wrong. It's called transferance or projection in psychological terms.

I just find that the older I get the less answers I have. There was a time when I knew everything and hadn't really experienced anything. And today when I have experienced so much I really know nothing. I've actually come to a point where I believe good is a figment of my imagination. All people are liars. And "it" just isn't worth it anymore. I still won't reduce myself to ill-treating people. I just lack faith today - faith in any kind of ideals.

You did a real good job at making me a fuck - but somehow I still can't be as fucked as you.

Uthay Rab Rhenda

2006-04-30T17:06:00.000-04:00

'par par hazaar ilm kitaba - par apne aap nu kadi paraya nai, ja varr mandir masiti - par apne dill vich kadi varaya nai....dhaadey masjid, dhaadey mandir, dhaadey jo kush dhenda, par kissi da dill na dhaavi, uthay RAB rhenda.....'

rough translation - 'u read thousands of scriptures - but u've never read urself, u enter temples and mosques - but u've never entered ur heart.....break the mosques, break the temples, break what u will, but dont break anyone's heart, for that is where God lives...'

America - stupid and beautiful

2006-04-29T04:37:00.000-04:00

American Apparel - vertically integrated clothing.

We were driving in Manhattan on our way to our hangout spot. Saw this a coupla nights ago. And then saw it again and again. Three shops in total all in different parts of NYC.

It's a clothing boutique...def not something I or anyone else I know would wear. What the hell is "vertically integrated clothing" and who the hell gives a fuck????? I mean, when you go out shopping do you stop and say to yourself -- wait...before I buy this Armani --- Is it vertically integrated?????????

Bhai's thought -- Vertically integrated clothing is horizontally fucking gay!!!!!!!

Made me laugh...or maybe I was just too fucking drunk to understand the significance...

All's I know is that NY is beautiful enough to give a fuck....and then stupid enough...to give a fuck!!!

Can't really tell the difference anymore.

Anyone like to join me for a drink???

Hahahahah....

Neighbors

2006-04-28T22:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if men and women (i think all people) really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

--- Katharine Hepburn

I love you!

2006-04-25T09:13:00.000-04:00

YOU ARE AN UBERRRRRRRRRRR ASSHOLE!!!

I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!

I've kept myself quiet for two months now. I have tried to give myself perspective on things.

You know how they say, hastiness always causes chaos...well I tried really hard to give myself the perspective of time. I kept myself mum thinking that with time things would calm down and my insides would stop hurling at the thought of YOU but it hasn't. Nothing has been able to give me perspective. Nothing has been able to give me objectivity. All I know is that my insides have been wishing that you feel my pain. The pain you caused me - the grief you dealt me.

The funny part - wishing ill upon you may eventually mean that I must pay a price but, I, very very happily will take that price if it means that you will know, feel, and live what you put me through - what you still continue to put me through. I LOVE YOU and I hate you so much - in the same damn breathe. Knowing you has been the worst curse of my life.

Loving you has been far greater.

Every one of the songs I have dedicated to you....I listen to them now and they all ring true - cuz I still feel the same way today and that's how I know I loved you. I really really really really loved you - and apparently - still do. I live with your memories...the faces you made, the things you said, the way you smell, the way you look, the way it felt sleeping next to you, the sound of you snoring, the look of your house, the way your skin felt next to mine as we lay together, cooking in your kitchen, watching movies on your tv, sitting on your sofa, the scent of your place, the look of your building, parking my car and walking in, the face of your doormen, the sound of your voice, the contents of your fridge, the long drives, the walks on the beach, the many dinners together, the many many nights........all so damn vivid......

To live the days today requires an anesthetic to rid the thoughts, to numb the pain.

I have no sense of feeling anymore. I have no sense of love. No sense of life. No sense of purpose. No sense of tomorrow. No sense of self. All thanks to you.

Existence. Mere existence. Just being. That's all I want as I slowly self destruct. This is what you have made me. This is what you are to me. This numb sense of unreciprocated love. And you know what - had it been merely unreciprocated it would have been okay. It's the mindfucks you played that fucked it all up. If I had been the only one loving you whilst you loved someone else I would have had the strength and courage to face it. But the fact that you played these games that got me. And in the end - YOU NEVER LOVED ME. YOU NEVER FUCKING LOVED ME!

At least you coulda been honest. At least you coulda...........

You will get yours. You have to. It's the only thing that gives me peace...some sense of peace. You will get yours god dammit. YOU HAVE TO. I PRAY YOU DO. EVERY INCH OF MY SOUL PRAYS YOU DO. And you will!!!!!!!!!!

And when you do you make sure to think of me.

Keep your threats to yourself....there isn't shit you could do to me that would hurt....rest assured...tried and tested...I coulda fucked you worse than you could imagine. I didn't.....solely cuz I loved you.....I didn't.......

CUZ I LOVED YOU...

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

2006-04-25T08:33:00.000-04:00

I'm back!!!

I've been going through a really crappy time since my birthday this year. It's been a very long two months. Around March 10th life came to a all new low and I decided I had enough of myself. I decided, on a complete spur of the moment spark, that I wanted to travel. I was supposed to be going home on break anyway and had worked it out so that I was in town whilst everyone else was outta town. I did it purposely to make time for something that was in my life - which in retrospect - didn't really ever deserve that kinda effort anyway. Now, since that situation was kaput I booked my ticket to London. I did not want to spend time in NY alone.

So, off I went to the UK on April 12. Was welcomed at the airport by none other than Miss Teacher herself. And it had all BEGAN - 9 days of pure partying started the instant we met at the airport. It was freaking 745am and we were in the cab cracking jokes, laughing hysterically and taking totally ridiculous pictures which are in the post below.

During that 25 minute ride from the Airport to her place I decided that I would just let this trip take its natural course and sit back and let things happen and fall into place.

The official partying commenced that night when we took the first tube into Soho (Central London's Gay Capital). Armed with the London A to Z, we set out on the city to discover. The next four (one night of which I spent bedridden with tonsilitis) nights were spent exploring Central London and drinking ourselves into a blur. We discovered fine places like Candy Bar, Heaven, Sin, GAY Astoria, 101 and Hoppa (a middle-eastern lgbt party). "OMG, I wanna dance with a trannie."

Day 5 we headed into Kingston for a sober night playing pool with a couple of her friends. Just chilling out and re-energizing from the previous few nights of sheer alcoholizm - yes spelled with a Z not an S.

Day 6 we spent going to Southall - the desi hub of London. Me being the Freshie that I am - I couldn't leave London without having been to its version of desiland. Thanks to Gifto's Lahore Karahi the song "Zara Jhoom" (which was on repeat for the whole duration of our dinner) continued playing in my head for hours after we had left.

Day 7 we headed out to Brighton with her lesbian room-mate. Brighton is a very gay-friendly town by the seaside. It has a beautiful Indian looking palace in the Town Center which I couldn't take a picture of cuz my camera gave out that night. Some really beautiful churches around which I feel really crappy about not being able to photograph. We spent the night there at Candy Bar - also owned by the same ppl as in Soho. The ambiance was completely different. We had a blast. I was introduced to "the angry man's beer" - Stella Artois. "Don't talk to me in that tone!!!" Damn - they weren't kidding when they said that.

Day 8 we met up with BBCD. We went to a neighborhood restaurant with a beautiful ambiance. Totally loved the decor. Shouting back at THEE BBCD - the celebrity. Thank you my dear for honoring us with thou presaaance. "It's Italian. No wait, it's mexican. No no, you're right. It's Mexican." Propah Mexican Massive!!

Day 9 - CLUB KALI. Total respect, complete awe to the people who have been able to keep up with the desi queer community of London and give them such a super happening party to look forward to every month for the last nine years. What an experience. What absolutely gorgeous women. What amazing music. VOW!! Happy Vaisakhi! Bhangra Bhangra Bhangra!!! "You are totally going on stage."

Things I experienced for the first time on this trip:

- Dancing with a trans bellydancer at Hoppa.
- Dancing with a trans desi sharmili around a pretend tree at Kali.
- A man standing in a McD's at 4am eating a burger with his pants around his ankles. Yes, it's true! This man had his ass out mooning all of us on purpose and was eating his burger while a small crowd cheered him on. I actually paid a guy behind the counter two pounds to get him to put his pants back on.
- British Asian Lesbians - a breed apart.
- Stella - makes me angry too which I figured out after coming back to NY at my bar.
- A cycle rickshaw with a very strong-legged man named Armand from Poland - I thought it was a French name too.
- A lesbian who was a kick-ass bhangra dancer.
- Driving in London sucks. "OMG we got flashed. Flary is gonna kill me!" - "Oh god! Yes, you are right. You're dumped. That's it. It's all over."
- People are soooooo interesting to watch.

Now, for the main part. "0-0 Lower" - from the bottom of my heart - Thank you very much. You provided me with an outlet and escape I needed very desperately. I think I woulda surely "pooh-a-fied" myself without it. If I had to do it all over again I would and YOU would be the only person I'd want to do it all with. You are the only person I know who has the spirit you do. It has officially been proven - YOU ARE BAIT DAMMIT! You're a bad-ass dancer with a superb tolerance for Stella, Brahma, Sam Miguel, Becks or whatever else is on the drink list. Our time spent in spills of hysterical laughter, rediscovering the magic of sleepovers, chatting it up, Absolut and dietcoke, that stupid freaking cat on the ledge, being flashed, citronella candles, french fries and tartar sauce, "I can't believe I'm peeing in public."

I had an amazing time Stan, which without you would not have been.

ABSOLUT BRIT!

Absolut Brit - Pics

2006-04-24T18:52:00.000-04:00

So here is my photoblog entry of my trip titled Absolut Brit.

Armand - the man with calf muscles of steel!

Absolut Alcholicz Anonymous

On the way from the airport.

The Dubbal Decker

You know you're American when your president is being ridiculed on a international level.

Hammersmith Stn. - Where all our journies began.

The guy was staring at me so I snapped him!

Phantom Dubbal

How amazing - DJs actually use turntables - what a concept!! @ Sin.

Zara jhoom jhoom, zara jhoom jhoom. "I'm getting dizzy listening to this damn song."

London Eye.

T'was Sin-sa-tion-all!

It's written in Punjabi. How Wicked is that!!

Cocksure

2006-04-23T22:45:00.000-04:00

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure,
and the intelligent are full of doubt."

- Bertrand Russell

Quick Update

2006-04-11T02:30:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note to let all the regulars know that I will not be posting anything new for a while. I guess you can take this time to visit and go into the archives and do some catching up and comment on the overall progress of the blog and the thoughts presented here. :)

Expect new post around the end of this month or early next month. Life is taking a new and interesting turn of events.

Til later - ciao and be well.

Walk The Caribbean Walk

2006-04-07T11:13:00.000-04:00

Life in the Carib.

Today is Friday and Fridays are a reason to celebrate out here. Driving thru "town" storefronts have 3 foot speakers outside with the latest reggae/calypso/soca/reggaeton beats blaring , cutting thru ur morning silence. It's 8:30 am and you find yourself bopping ur head to the music. There are people walking in between cars, busily chattering to each other making plans for the weekend. Almost every corner you look to there is a man standing with a Carib (local beer) in his hand. People walking by scream out "Hey Doc!" And you wave back and smile.

This is a place where not saying 'morning' to everyone you pass by on ur way to the ward is rude. This is a place where general respect and pleasant mannerisms are a necessity. This is a place where you are at home sleeping one instant and ten minutes later you find yourself at the beach, seated next to 'friends' (since you know almost everyone) sipping on a Carib. A place where while you are sitting at the bar someone will come over and buy you a drink (whatever it is you are drinking) just bcuz he/she knows you and it's their way of saying 'hello'. Here, the color of your skin does not matter. Here everyone is a part of the great big family called community and it isn't taken lightly. Standing outside the airport, smoking a cig and after you're done throw the butt on the ground and expect to hear someone yell out to you, "Hey, pick that up and put it in the trash. Do that in your home town, not here. We love our island."

Yup, this is the caribbean - a real awakening for a New Yorker.

NYC - where you can walk down the same 5 city blocks and pass the same couple hundred people every morning and never even notice. Where you can walk into the same building every single day without ever seeing the security guard that stands there. Where you can live in the same neighborhood for years and never even know your neighbors. Where you can walk into a restaurant for dinner once a week and never actually have a conversation with the manager you see every single time. Where you can live in a house with three other people and go days without actually sitting down to talk. Where your self-consumption is excused and, many-a-times, expected. Where a friendly person is eyed with suspicion - "Hmm. Wonder what he/she wants."

The completely opposing cultures has proven to be quite a problem for me. When I first came to the Carib my American attitude rubbed quite a few the wrong way. It didn't help get anything any faster. All things still followed their natural course. I learnt quickly that it's easier to do things their way than mine. I stayed here two years and all worked out fine. As annoyed as the people got with my attitude, they were equally generous with forgiving the error of my ways and accepting me once I had embraced their culture.

Then I came back to NY after hiatus. And THAT was really really hard. Try teaching a New Yorker a different more pleasant way of doing things - you'd probably teach a 15 yo dog new tricks with more ease. And let's just say that you choose to do things a bit more their way - they are not nearly as forgiving as the Caribs.

I see it as a choice, "You can walk the country walk, the caribbean walk.." (it's a song) or you can do things the American way. When you know the difference and have seen the flip side - why not be nicer if you can, more pleasant if you can. If you can make someone smile (even if its inward) why the hell not! Not naive, trusting or putting yourself in compromising situations - just be more pleasant. Being pleasant doesn't make you desperate or ignorant - it just makes you nicer.

Doom

2006-04-06T16:39:00.000-04:00

Impending doom??

Ever get this feeling that you are walking through life doing all you need to do but not really facing a problem. Instead of facing it you would rather drown yourself in work, exercise, alcohol, friends, etc. I mean everywhere you go someone or the other is talking about "not feeling emotions", "lack of time", "get over it", "get off your ass and do something about it". Apparently feeling emotions out until they reach their end is a thing of the past. And we are all racing to be somewhere and most of us don't even know where that is.

Well, as it turns out I am no longer feeling my emotions. I am catching up with the times and drowning them out instead. But I have this impending feeling of doom in the pit of my stomach. And I am not sure what that is. I have also noticed that my dreams have become much more graphic, lingering and disturbing. As if my mind is painting a picture to rid itself of the rage within. On a day to day, you see me walking in the street, hanging at the beach or whatever and you would never see the inside. Up until recently that was something I cherished sharing with those near and dear. Over the past six months I have noticed that side of me die off. I have lost that respect to share your life experiences with others. Now it's all about diversion and avoidance.

Which is sad. This whole thing is sad. I know I'm doing it and I don't want to change it cuz I'm comfortable with it all being in my head. But then I also feel a sense of betrayal to my own beliefs. I believe ppl need ppl. Humans are meant to interact. And its not a void that can be filled with sex, friends, food, family, parties, etc. It's a void that needs a companion. Not to feel complete, not to depend on - just someone to BE with, walk with. It's that bond that you put right up there next to the bond you have with yourself. And we mistake that to be some romantically inclined relationship but it doesn't have to be. It can be a best friend too. Look at Will and Grace, Friends, Sex in the City.

Feelings are totally over-rated. I just wish I wasn't so damn sensitive.

I just hope this sense of impending doom goes away soon and those stupid dreams stop waking me up at night.

I NEED SLEEP.

Paro and Pink

2006-04-06T13:47:00.000-04:00

Paro Khi Aayegi Baraat ???

interesting article about the mistreatment of women.

Pink - Stupid Girls

brilliant song and equally brilliant video.

A Dream Deferred

2006-04-05T17:12:00.000-04:00

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

By, Langston Hughes

--Thank you Aisha

Fanaa

2006-04-04T23:13:00.000-04:00

Fanaa - The Movie

Heard about this movie at Aneesh - The Great Gujju's Blog. Yes, I am a recovering Bollywood-a-holic. And as I am still in recovery there is no way in hell I can pass up a YashRaj film with such an amazing musical score. Totally excited. :))

Haiiii...Kajol is back!!!!

Tere dil mein meri saanson kho panaah mil jaye,
Tere ishq mein meri jaan fanaa ho jaye....

Haiiiiiiiiii! Kya awaaz hain, kya adaa hain. Hmm. Yummy.

Filmi - very very filmi.

Hoping Aamir does much better than what he did in stupid Rang De Basanti. What the hell was he doing anyway? :S

Fencer

2006-04-03T21:55:00.000-04:00

I watched two very noteworthy shows today on politics and technology.

Real Time with Bill Maher - HBO

I have been in love with this show since I moved out of NY. I've liked Bill Maher since his days on Politically Incorrect. The interest for politics sits deep within. I have a very high respect for straight, honest, patriotic politicians. I don't any of you are familiar with the movie Nayak with Anil Kapoor. That is the idea of politics I have in my head. People who go in for real change and pretty much scream "balls to you" to all the opposers. Bill Maher, to me, is like Anil Kapoor's character. He says it like it is and pulls no punches. If I want to know what's going on in politics it's his unedited opinions I listen to.

and

Modern Marvels on The History Channel

I had no idea such a show even played on the History Channel. I stumbled upon it while channel surfing. It talked about all the methods of Surveillance Technology present today - from red light cameras, to workplace security systems, to microchips implanted in your arm that contain personal information such as your medical records. The show stated that an average American gets his/her picture taken 75 times a day while an average Brit gets his/her picture taken 300 times a day. It then went on to talk about the GPS systems in cars and cell phones that can be used to track your whereabouts within a matter of seconds. About how the bar codes on products will soon be replaced by microchips the size of a pen tip which will be able to hold 100 times more information and how the use of such chips will then go on to be able to track a person's grocery lists, clothing lists, addresses, etc. Although I was amazed with the whole show and the ironic resemblance to the predictions of movies made in the 1980's what fascinated me the most was the implantable microchip that will give you someone's up to date medical history within a matter of seconds just by waving a wand. Such kinds of information is essential in emergency scenarios.

I also realized that these kinds of inventions make it nearly impossible for someone to lie about who they are and where they were or have been. These inventions would be major breakthroughs for medicine, forensics, politics, law, etc. But the thought of this kind of information in the wrong hands is very scary. How a microchip can be recorded with secret military information in a matter of seconds and can easily be transported into the wrong hands.

More harm than good?? Not sure. Sitting on the fence for this one.

Words of Wisdom

2006-03-31T01:21:00.000-05:00

From a seemingly unexpected mouth in drunken bliss:

"Meray mann kho bhaya ,
Maine kutta kaat keh khaya..."

***English translation as requested by Chai
It appealed to my mind so I cut up a dog and ate it. (sorry for the crude translation but it is the best I could come up with - anyone with any better explanations please feel free to post in comments.) It basically means I'm free to do what I want as I am the master of my mind.

Imagine this - I'm sipping on my bottle of beer and someone blurts this out in conversation with someone else while I am mid-sip. I heard it, spit all over myself and laughed hysterically. I just thought it was eerily relevant to the previous post and what's been on my mind lately. And the funniest part was the it was said completely unknowingly. Hmm. Okay is this one of those "you hadda be there moments??" If it is, I'm sorry!

PS - New song emphasizes and magnifies my current state of mind!!! Loooove the song!!!

Conscience

2006-03-29T00:17:00.000-05:00

I had this blissfully wonderful conversation today about people and their consciences and where they come from and why they differ from person to person. Believe it or not that same conversation happened with at least 4 different people. It seems as though everyone was thinking the same thing at the same time but in different forms. Someone was applying it to their child, another to their friend, another to their lover, etc. Then I turned on the tv and there was a show on about a sociopathic child who had absolutely no conscience. He actually managed to kill his best friend and concoct up his own alibi and had everyone convinced he was actually the victim until further investigations were done that actually proved this kid to be the sociopath. And then to top it off we have a patient on the ward who is also exhibiting sociopathal symptoms but remains undiagnosed. With all these ARROWS pointing me in a specific direction (my mind has been silently pondering the same question for months now) I decided to do what I always do. I read up on it. Psych has always interested me. In college I spent a whole year taking all psych courses and reading crazy books like "Thinking Patterns of Serial Killers."

Here is what I learnt:

The conscience or what we also call the "voice within" is genetically determined but culturally imprinted (learnt), can be very different in different people and depends heavily on indivdual belief systems.

According to Sigmund Freud (who I love), the conscience is the superego which is absorbed from the parents and then later sources of authority at a young age and is a continuous personal growth process throughout the rest of one's life. Freud also states that the not listening to this "inner voice" leads to guilt and given enough guilt one can reach neurosis which has been defined as "poor ability to adapt to one's environment, an inability to change one's life patterns, and the inability to develop a richer, more complex, more satisfying personality." Despite the person being neurotic he/she can maintain the ability to think rationally.

Now I would stop here with the research and get back to my personal opinions.

I believe that religion, parents, society forms our fundamental conscience make-up but those fundamentals alone are not enough to live out our complete lives. As we age we are brought face to face with many a decisions and each decision we make conscientiously further solidifies our individual conscience making it that much stronger with each walking step. As we all know, at every intersection in life there is the voice of the Id (the reservoir of need-gratification impulses such as the primitive instinctual drives of sexuality and aggression) or our animal instinct versus the Superego or our conscience. In contrast, every time we listen to that inner animal instinct we are all born with we forsake our conscience. Do that enough times and eventually you become a sociopath. Then the only thing that matters is your own gratification no matter what the cost.

With this all in mind I can understand sociopathic behavior in adults because it gives them enough time to reach full fruition (if you can call it that). What I do not understand is this type of behavior in children. Children who have normal loving parents who go to their respective houses of worship and teach the same lessons our parents taught us. I do not understand what goes wrong there. Can it be physiological? Can it be a structural deficit in the neuronal system in the brain? Some pathway? Aside from basic sensory pathways and very crude emotional pathways we have yet to see anything describing anything of the sort. Basic focal generalizations such as the frontal lobe controls this, the temporal lobe controls that, etc.

Okay, I think I am rambling now. But I would love to hear what you all have to say about the topic. Why is it that it differs so much if societal conscience is generally the same?? And how do you account for those who just aren't born with it?? And do you believe there is even such a thing - to be born without a conscience?

Hafiz ki Shayari

2006-03-29T00:08:00.000-05:00

نه در مسجد گزارندم که مستی نه در میخانه کین خمار خامست میان مسجد و میخانه راهیست غریبم عاشقم آن ره کدامست

English translation:
They neither let me enter the MASJID, that I am MAST, nor do they let me close to the MAI-KHANA that I am a novice, In between the two there is a third way, People, I am confused and needy, show me that way...

Special thanks to Hamesha for the shayari

Random 20 Q's

2006-03-28T16:57:00.000-05:00

1.What time of the day is it at your end right now?
5:56pm

2.What did you last eat?
whole wheat bread with peanut butter

3.What are you wearing right now (hopefully you're wearing something ahemm)?
t-shirt and pajama pants

4.What was your weekend like?
In bed at home pretty much.

5.Did you sleep well last night?
No. I fell asleep farely quickly but woke up due to a dream.

6.What's your favorite time of the day?
From evening to early morning.

7.Who did you last kiss?
Romantically - I'd rather not talk about it.
Otherwise - My bro at departures.

8.Did you see any cute guy/gal today?
I see many. I'm on at the pediatrics ward. They are all cutiess.

9.When did you last speak to your mum/dad?
About 20 mins ago.

10.When did you last have an argument and have you patched up?
No.

11.Who/what cant you live without right now?
My computer, my friends and my family.

12.Are you in love right now?
Yes.

13.If you met me in real, what would be your first expression?
A smile.

14.Have you ever loved someone who's already taken?
Yes.

15.If I came over to your place, what would you do?
Welcome you in.

16.How do you watch TV?
Absentmindedly. It's usually on in the background.

17.What do you need right now?
To be home with my mom.

18.What's your favorite sense?
All of em.

19.Where would be the the ideal spot to be with someone you love?
Anywhere. What does it matter where when you are really in love.

20.What's closest to your bed?
Night table with lamp.

Credit to Jay for posting this.

Ek Taraf

2006-03-27T13:42:00.000-05:00

Ek taraf uska ghar ek taraf mekhada
Main kahan jaoon hota nahin faisla....

Kisko apnaoon main kisko choru zafar
Mera dono se rishta hain nazdeeq ka...

Ek taraf uska ghar ek taraf mekhada
Ay ghumay zindagi kuch tho dey mashwara...
--Pankaj Udhas

An old song I found again recently. Has developed a new meaning since I last heard it - hmmm, was it back in college???

Blahhhh

2006-03-27T01:13:00.000-05:00

Loads of things racing thru my mind and not enough energy to type em out. In a generally blah ze blah mood. So, excuse til I come back to me normal self matey!!

Til then cheerio, ciao or whatever else!!!

Dil Ke Armaan

2006-03-26T12:45:00.000-05:00

Was out on friday night with some friends. Suddenly I remembered an old song from back "when I was a kid". Here is my drunken rendition of the song:

Dil keh armaan daru banke beh gaye,
Hum wafa karke bhi tanha reh gaye.

The song is "Dil keh armaan" by Salma Agha. Thought that was funny enough to share. Okay, it is not advised for anyone to listen to this song alone if you are not in high spirits. It truly is a super-duper depressing song.

Radha Krishna

2006-03-26T03:43:00.000-05:00

This picture always fascinates me because you can see the intricate details of all the work that is put into beautifying these statues. The flute and jewelry is real gold. It's amazing how much time, effort and energy ppl put into stone statues while completely ignoring the strife of another man.

Haji Ali

2006-03-26T03:41:00.000-05:00

A closer view of the ornamental offerings.

A breif history of Haji Ali -

Built in 1431, this monument has been sentinel to the shores of Bombay since a long time. 500 yards into the sea from the shore, Haji Ali is said to be the tomb of an ancient merchant saint, who died on his way to Mecca. His casket was brought to Bombay, where the dargah was built by Haji Usman Rangikar, the man who owned the ship that took pilgrims to Mecca.

The white dome and the solitary minaret of the mosque behind the dargah stands out on the west shoreline of Mumbai. Behind the huge marble doorway lies the tomb enclosed in a white structure lying in an exquisite silver frame supported by marble pillars. The inside of the dome is covered in colourful glass arranged in a kaleidoscopic pattern, which spells the names of Allah in 99 different forms.

Every day, thousands of pilgrims from Mumbai and beyond walk from the shore to the dargah on the concrete walkway to say their prayers and ask for wishes, which the devout claim, do come true. The walkway some years back had just beggars lined up, but today, it has shops on its left up to the entrance of the dargah -- on the right, beggars have the full advantage of the space – they eat, sleep and make themselves at home here.
As you walk into the Haji Ali dargah compound, and you notice the side structure is covered in the brocade cloth offered at the dargah.

Haji Ali 2

2006-03-26T03:39:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of Haji Ali. We spent the morning there feeding the poor. Loved all the flags around the darbar. They are one of the things offered in prayer at the tomb.

Mosque

2006-03-26T03:31:00.000-05:00

This one is of a mosque in Bombay. I like the lighting around the mosque and how it's set in the background behind a busy bazaar. The little girls in the picture later came over and posed for us.

Middle of Nowhere Again

2006-03-26T03:29:00.001-05:00

This was taken during a roadtrip. We made a pitstop and drove up into the mountains to one of the "scenic viewpoints" I had never believed before that it was truly scenic but I guess we got lucky that day.

Middle Of Nowhere

2006-03-26T03:29:00.000-05:00

Same day different angle.

Light Alteration

2006-03-26T03:27:00.000-05:00

This was taken during a party and the disco ball and the light of my flash completely distorted the image. I like the effect of the lighting.

Artsy Mood

2006-03-26T03:16:00.000-05:00

As you can see I am currently in an artsy fartsy mood. Sober and personal growth kinda phase. Below are pics I found at another site I frequent every time the mood hits me called DeviantArt. Above are some pics I have taken of some places I have been and things I have seen. Not relatively as artistically inclined as the stuff I've seen in other places. It is true that pictures say a 1000 words. These pics are moments frozen in time that will always bring back amazing memories. Images of where I have been and a few of the things I have seen.

NYC Wearing Blue

2006-03-24T18:45:00.000-05:00

New York City Dressed In Blue by ~whintersoul

Terragen

2006-03-24T18:39:00.000-05:00

Terragen - Remnant and Lost by `tigaer

Broken

2006-03-24T18:37:00.000-05:00

Of All The Things I've Broken - Poisongirl112

Lost Beauty

2006-03-24T18:35:00.002-05:00

Lost Beauty by ~skulda

Lost Identity

2006-03-24T18:35:00.001-05:00

Lost Identity by~arioth

Lost and Found

2006-03-24T18:35:00.000-05:00

Lost and Found by `zzaga

Fakeness

2006-03-22T10:24:00.000-05:00

Stoping being fake - it can be the cause of your death!!

Click on the link above to read the new study performed in Germany.

You Are What You Eat!

2006-03-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

NOT!!!

No, but seriously - you are a product of your environment. That is for sure and the topic of this entry.

As it turns out I got a flustered call today from someone. She was flabbergasted at her life in general. To make a long story short (and for the sake of my own privacy) I have noticed many times over the year that it is a typical desi woman scorned story. After spending many years in a dead end marriage, completely unhappy and what not she is now contemplating her life over again. Well she has been for years and has never really reached a conclusion I much appreciate. And I find myself at a loss for words. I mean all I can do is listen. I can't change it and I can't fight her battles for her. So, I feel as though I am an interactive participant in a video game being played by another's remote control.

Anyhoooo, how this relates to me is that after seeing these things for so many years I have realized that I don't want to end up like her or many of the other desi women I have seen growing up. In crappy marriages where they are stifled, controlled, expected to sacrifice, take someone else's ego, be treated like doormats, power trips. I also have to say that cuz of the stuff I have been exposed to and cuz I believe love can come in any package I have a higher tolerance for ppl's shit which I don't like much about myself. But then I know, I have this "tipping point" if you will. I'll take it. And shut up. And kick a bit but I'll be a "man" *cough cough* about it and move on. I'll forgive. But then it stops.

And I think it's cuz I refuse to settle with "shit happens in life". I still believe in my heart that there is a soul mate out there, made just for me and we will find each other. I just gotta sift thru the soul NOTs in the process. And what a tedious, time consuming, roller-coaster of a process it is that really taps you of your inner resources in the meanwhile. Whateverz.

I just thought it was something to blog about. Where we get our personal levels of understanding and how we grow to be the people we become. What influences us and what not. I had a conversation the other day about horoscopes with someone. He was telling me about how he finds it fancinating that you can generalize so many basic personality traits of a person based on their date of birth. At which point I told him it's all bullshit. It's good for conversation and laughs but not to base someone's life on cuz horoscopes always say nice things about people and will never be able to tell you whether a person is an egocentric bastard who likes to beat women or a control freak who has psychotic episodes. And when you see those things in a person it no longer matters how great his horoscope says he is. An abuser is just that - someone who abuses the right someone else gives him - and nothing more. A woman-beater is disgusting and especially so if it happens to be another woman. At which point my friend finally concluded that in that case it is not what you are born with that makes you what you are, instead, it is your experiences.

Precisely my point. Accha baccha!!!! :))

So, after all that, there you have it - the years old nature vs nurture dispute - it is not nature (what you are born with) it is actually nurture - environment - experience that makes you the person you are - and thus each person is unique cuz no two individuals will ever experience the same thing in the same way.

It's A Small World After All

2006-03-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

"There is just one moon and one golden sun,
and a smile means friendship to everyone....
it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all,
it's a small small world..."

I realized today exactly how small the world is especially since everything is just a click away on the internet. As it turns out, I randomly ran into someone who knows someone who knows someone I don't want to be in touch with anymore. It's a very long and complicated story that I am in no mood to talk of but it's quite a small chance that out of all the people I have to meet a chick in a completely different country who knows someone in my home state who I happen to know through someone else.

You know those really weird network sites like friendster and myspace - well on those sites they have these little grids in which they show you who is connected to whom and thru whom. So, (very random numbers here) if you have like 10 ppl on your list your network actually contains some 500 ppl bcuz it also adds the people that are friends with your friends. So, thus far I haven't come across a person on friendster I am not connected to thru 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree friends. Now, when you see this online it's kinda funny. It's like you are connected to the whole world without even knowing it.

But then something like that goes and happens in real life and throws ur mind in a twist. Cuz you really want to lay low and do your own thing and kinda disappear from the scene for a while. And you can't. Cuz everywhere you turn you find someone who is somehow intimately connected to you. How bizarre??

I remember reading an article online (can't place where exactly) that the internet has made the world a very interconnected interdependant network and life is no longer limited to your geographical location. You are part of a global network that is only as far as your computer desk. The worst part of this whole thing is that you have to be more much careful of the things you say and do now. Much more so than was necessary previously. Even on our blogs, we have to be careful of how much info we give out about ourselves. There was another article I read that stated something about prospective emloyers doing random internet searches on you as part of a background check and how blogs come up as a part of the results. So, if there are things you don't want anyone knowing about you make sure you are wise about how much info you give out and to whom. Of course, there is only so much you can do to hide who you are so no need to be a paranoid freak about it - just be careful.

United Kingdom

2006-03-19T18:33:00.000-05:00

I have a request for all you guys. Irrespective of whether you live there or not can you please tell me all you can about the UK. Other than the basic tourist spots around central London what else is there to do. Gay, straight, club, art scene. So, I am reaching out to my fellow bloggers to help me in this department. I've been there once but I only did the normal touristy stuff downtown. This request esp goes out to all my UK peeps. Leave ur ideas on the comments part. I wanna know all the must dos and must sees even if it's a castle a bit further away from London. Thanks in advance.

Quiet Moments

2006-03-16T22:58:00.001-05:00

I love when it's quiet and I am alone left to appreciate all that is around me.

I sat outside today lazily puffing on a cigarette. Thought back on my day. I saw a patient - a tiny 8 month old. Blue fingers, labored breathing. A happy child completely unaware of her near fatal condition. So was the mother. See, where we practice medicine, like most third world countries, the patients leave their health and wellness completely in the hands of the Doctor. And where the Doctor ends their strong faith in God steps in.

There is a huge difference in culture between America (where everyone thinks they are in control of everything and everyone) and these places. Here patients do not do tons of research online on their symptoms and self-diagnose. They do not then vomit this information to the doc and expect him to agree and then get angry when he/she doesn't. Here patients understand that docs go to school for many years and leave their jobs upto them.

Back to the child - she has tetralogy of fallot. This is a condition that involves embryonic malformation of the heart and its major vessels. Due to financial constraints the family is unable to pay for the surgery needed to repair this condition. They are waiting for a specialist to hear back from an agency in the US which does these types of surgeries for free for selected patients to see if their child is one of the lucky ones who gets picked. And that is how it works here.

So I sat and meditated on that child today. And her mother. And her ability to hand over the strings of her daughter's life over. I thought about her optimistic attitude and her playful child. And I felt sick for feeling so shitty and self-consumed lately. Living alone makes you so. It's all about what's in your head and that ends up being the only thing that matters. You really have to try to pull yourself out of that.

I spent a bit of time sitting outside and watched the things I had been missing out on for the past few months. The things I used to cherish so deeply about this place. I watched how the palm trees danced to the music of the ocean waves and the sound of crickets. How the palm tree's leaves swayed back and forth covering the moon from my vision like a leherata hua dupatta. I noticed a beautiful yellow flower that bloomed in my garden. I touched its petals. I breathed in the sea scented air.

I thought about the little girl again and said a silent prayer.

Geetanjali - Rabindranath Tagore

2006-03-16T00:56:00.000-05:00

Geetanjali --

Obstinate are the trammels, but my heart aches when I try to break them.
Freedom is all I want, but to hope for it I feel ashamed.
I am certain that priceless wealth is in thee, and that thou art my best friend,
but I have not the heart to sweep away the tinsel that fills my room.
The shroud that covers me is a shroud of dust and death; I hate it, yet hug it in love.
My debts are large, my failures great, my shame secret and heavy;
yet when I come to ask for my good, I quake in fear lest my prayer be granted.

-- Rabindranath Tagore

Psycho Magnet

2006-03-15T19:41:00.000-05:00

Of late I have been noticing a certain pattern in my life.

PSYCHOS ARE DRAWN TO ME.

I don't know what it is and sometimes I find myself wondering whether it is because I am a psycho and they feel they belong. Seriously though, I am not a psycho. That, I think, is the big problem. Like every other New Yorker I have come across I have a certain limit - I am only willing to be pushed, poked, prodded, manipulated, punched, kicked, screamed at, analyzed, questioned, etc - to a point. And once I get to that point, unlike other New Yorkers, I walk away instead of kicking back. Other New Yorkers would drive by you and shoot you and blame it on road rage. J/K. Hmmm - it is a nice thought though!!! :)

I am starting to feel like many of my problems are bcuz of my tolerance level of such said events and bcuz of my "need" - or rather more accurately - "psuedo-need" for acceptance. As time has gone by and I have gotten older the need to belong to a group has disintegrated. I am gay and yet, I don't really live like one - whatever the hell that means and I am desi - but not desi enough, I am American yet, not American to the point of ABCD. The rebel by nature, I feel no need to conform. And belonging to any particular group would be just that - conforming. The queers are super queer, the desis have super FOB mentality and although they live in America they remain ignorant to the American culture clutching onto their desi ideals for dear life, the ABCD's are ignorant to their own cultures and therefore their roots. When at a straight party ppl want to know why you aren't married, what you do for a living, what your parents do, etc. At a lesbian get-together everyone wants to know just how gay you are and if you ever comment on a man or smile at him you have violated some unsaid big ole LESBO oath (apparently, smiling at a man automatically means you want to fuck him). If you look at another chick who might be in a relationship her gf will come over and grab onto her for dear life (as if holding on to her will keep her faithful to you), the couples are scared of losing their significant others and the single ones don't want to settle down or are single cuz no one wants em. And if they are single and normal there is no way for you to know they are gay anyway. God damn complexities.

I'm just generally pissed off at the world.

I pretty much find myself not really fitting in anywhere. I'm not straight so that's out. I don't want my life's sole purpose to be full of queer rights issues either. I don't want to be fanatically religious and quote the Gita every chance I get. I don't want to be fully engrossed in medicine to the point that all I can talk about is something that was quoted in Scientific America or my latest patient. I don't want to spend the rest of my life bothered by how much money I make and how to attain that new 'thing' I want. And I sure as hell don't want someone who thinks she can control me.

There are three types of people in this world. One is the type who doesn't give a shit and lives in a purely selfish manner. Who thinks what and why is something they could care less about and who seem to live in this little bubble where it's all about them, what they think, their generalizations and their experiences. Then there are those who care about everyone and everything and want everyone to love them. And then there are the ones in the middle, to whom only those ppl they love matter and only to a particular point and beyond that it isn't worth it anymore.

And I believe I fall into the last bracket. The one who cares - and then just doesn't. And it's as simple as that. Push me far enough and I become a blurry distant memory.

I think it's all about moderation. I don't like the cold fucks who live solely for themselves and fail to see the greater picture. And I hate the ones who do it all, give it all and stay in it crying at their misfortune.

It's that time again. Walking that path.

My Heritage Face Recognition

2006-03-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

Found this site (My Heritage) at Popagandhi's site.

According to this site I look like the following celebrities:

Liv Ullman
Farah Fawcett
The Rock
Cate Blanchett
Halle Berry
Hrithik Roshan
Jared Leto

Another cool site to visit:

Volkswagen GTI MkV - totally drooling over the damn car. Is it worth the 30K??

Neural Sensitivity

2006-03-13T18:45:00.000-05:00

Scents that remind you of something. It was a question posed by Enyur and I liked my answer so I thought why not post it here as well.

the smell of rain and truck exhaust fumes remind me of bombay. the smell of raat ki raani and jasmine reminds me of delhi and songs from fiza and tera jadoo chal gaya. the smell of romance by ralph lauren reminds me of toronto. the sound of "saaya bhi saath jab" by nusrat reminds of long lonely drives in college. the smell of the ocean and coconut reminds me of the caribbean. the smell of coconut suntan lotions remind me of a weekend in miami when i was four years old. the scent of dkny will always remind me of heartbreak. nostalgia - haha. the scent of mildew reminds me of my cousin's bathroom. the scent of anais anais reminds me of my mom. the scent of dabar amla reminds me of dad. the scent of soft pretzels and mustard reminds me of nyc winters. the scent of chandan reminds me of a temple. the scent of sundried papad reminds me of hyderabad. the scent of joop for men reminds me of spain. the scent of fresh baking bread reminds me of gibraltar. the scent of fendi reminds me of love. the scent of red door reminds me of best friends and good times. shall i go on?

Tag # 2

2006-03-13T18:27:00.000-05:00

Eight different characteristics that my perfect partner would have???? As if there is such a thing as a perfect partner!!!!!!! :) Since I have been tagged by Karmic-Jay and I happen to like his blog and appreciate his comments I will oblige.

1) A really big, compassionate, loving heart and is affectionate.

2) The ability to forgive and understand.

3) Responsible and independant. - Someone who is comfortable in her own element and will let me be in mine.

4) A peace-loving, non-confrontational person. - She can get angry but be mature and decent about it.

5) She must be intelligent, open to new things and energetic. - I get bored easily.

6) Clean hearted and straight forward.

7) Nonjudgemental and can listen to me even though she may not agree with me.

8) Takes pride in her feminity.

There ya have it. One is allowed to dream is she not!!!

Water by Deepa Mehta

2006-03-13T00:42:00.000-05:00

I spent the night watching the movie. It has been a very long time since a movie left such an impression on my mind. Deepa Mehta's artistic portrayal and vision is untouchable as usual. Seema Biswas and Lisa Ray were exceptional artists.

Deepa Mehta's - Water

Two things come to mind at this point:

The blind worship of the texts and the misguided traditions angers me beyond words. The rules of our society dictated by a few dhoti clad men who think they are above the rest because of the caste they were born into. The bloody brahmins misusing and manipulating things because the majority cannot comprehend and do not have the means to question. Fuck the castes. Shudras, brahmins, kshatriyas, etc. All bullshit. Utter garbage. Agreed that the hindu texts have much to teach, but the patience and dilligence required to dig so deep, read between the words, interpret and meditate on - no one has the time and no one cares as much. It's no wonder the religion is losing its flavor amongst the new generation. On one side they say to follow your antaratma (the voice of reason within) and on the other side they say to follow dharma (one's duty in life - purpose). So, what happens when your duty and your inner voice are in conflict? The neglect and mistreatment of women that dates back and still continues today in the form of infanticide of female fetuses. The abuse of a woman's body for the quenching of a man's sexual desires. All fucking sick.

And for those of you who cast stones at Gandhi Ji and his work - those Indians to whom he brought revolt against our own shortcomings and the outsiders - You are too ignorant to ever get it and will always be as narrow-visioned.

The sad part - even in this day and age when ignorance is no longer acceptable we Indians still harbor such outdated, pathetic, utterly ridiculous notions in our hearts and carry through with the same shitty traditions without question. Chi! Sad!

Watch the movie. It's worth the hour and a half. You might just learn something.

Another Arrest

2006-03-10T19:05:00.000-05:00

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/1445253.cms

JAMMU: Two women, who allegedly married each other recently and were
living together in the city, were arrested by the police and later let
off with a directive to stay separately, official sources said on
Friday.

The women - one aged 34 and hailing from Delhi and the other aged 27
and a resident of Lakada Bazar here - were arrested from Pir Mitha area
of Jammu on Thursday after complaints from locals about their marriage,
they said.

The duo claimed that they married each other in a local temple in
December last year and also threatened to commit suicide if the police
tried to separate them.

Police later released the women with a directive to live separately and
they were taken back to their respective families late last night, the
sources said.

The Gay Life

2006-03-09T19:17:00.000-05:00

I was visiting some of the lesbian forums I belong to today after a very long time. As luck would have it, I have had a few queries floating around in my head to which I found the answers today while visiting these forums. As it happens there was a ongoing discussion on the forum that I had been oblivious because I have been preoccupied. Anyhow, one of the post's really stuck out to me and so I have thought to post it here. I know most of my readers are straight so let's just use it from an educational point of view - same sex couples have the same exact problems as hetero couples (sometimes I think the effects of estrogen may cause more serious consequences but that aside) Read on.

Post 1:

I remember the evening I flew over to meet her for the first time.
The 8 hours seemed like 8 days. I was imagining whether we will shake
hands or hug each other. The plane landed. We connected on phone. My
heart was racing. My hands were cold because of nervousness. I went
to the rest-room. I looked into the mirror to make sure that my hair
was fine (It wasn't. It never is when you are meeting some one for
the first time). I took 4-5 long breaths. There was too much
excitement.

She changed her clothes at least 3 times. She felt like a teenager
who was meeting some her lover for the first time. But really love at
any age makes you feel different. It makes you want to look better,
do better. She cleaned her apartment spic'n'span. She came to the
airport to pick me up.

We met near baggage claim. The 8 hours wait was worth it. We
recognized each other from the pictures we had exchanged earlier. We
walked closer. We looked into each others' eyes. And we hugged. A
tight warm hug. Arms wrapped around each other. I felt as if they
won't ever let go. We got into her car. She drove us to her
apartment. When I put my hand on hers, they were cold. It consoled
me. Both were nervous.

I think we passed the test `coz we started kissing each other and we
enjoyed it. And cuddled up and went to sleep. I woke up in the
morning to find that we were still holding each other. She had to go
to work. She made coffee. The aroma filled the bedroom. It had some
magic to it. She got ready and left for work. And I went back to
sleep with the aroma of the coffee and her body still lingering in
the bedroom.

The next time we met, we looked into each other's eyes with flapping
eyelids and fluttering hearts. We held each other in our arm for
hours together. It's amazing how our necks find their way around each
other. Lips figure out those particular concavities near the collar
bones. Snug and warm.

Yeah, we were in love!

Later..

Why don't you shut the kitchen cabinets completely? Why don't you
wear bright clothes? Oh, for God's sake put the toilet roll the other
way! Why are you so grumpy after coming from work? Well, we are still
in love. So we smile and say, "Anything for you, my dear!" Although
it is tough we tried to remember what we are NOT supposed to do.

Still later..

I need some time away. I think we came too close too fast. You know
you have different interests. I wish you had more interest in
politics and global issues. But there are myriad other things that we
can talk about. There are other common things between us. Aren't they
enough? I am not sure if relationship is my priority right now. I
have to finish school, find a job. I have too many things on my
plate. May be we are not made for each other. I feel stressed when
you are around. Ooh! How insulting! I am sorry but I cannot do it
anymore. Hey, what's going on? Are you sure? Why were you beating
around the bush all this time? I wasn't. I was trying to figure out.
Why did you lie to me all this time? Why did you say that you never
got bored with me? I don't know. I still like you. I don't understand
you. Ok. I don't want to talk with you anymore. I am hanging up. No.
Wait. Bye.

There you go. End of a relationship. End of an 18 months old long
distance relationship. There's no scope for further discussion. You
hang up. You choose to not to pick up the phone. You ignore the
emails. Wonder if break-ups are same for all relationships whether
long-distance or closer. You just block-off that part of your
life, the intimacy, the vulnerability, the togetherness. How? Why?
And then you are left alone, dealing with the situation.

I thought when you look for someone; it is more like finding the
right pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Why do you want the exact same
things in the other person? If that is the case then may be we should
all wait till human clones are available. We can get our exact
replica. I thought it were the differences that added spice to life.

No?

XXXXXX

Post 2:

Hi XXXXX,

I guess that's a part of gay life, you are left by yourself to sort
out things over a bottle of wine.

I have experienced frustration when it comes to
> communication. The over analyzing and beating everything to death
> by talking about "the issue" over and over again with women was
> exhausting. I was amazed how fast my blood pressure cooled as I
> felt a soft hand on my knee before my anger went through the roof
> during arguments.

I completely agree with you on the over analysis part. They say men
are easy-going. Men are blamed for being bad listeners (I think men
don't analyze too much becoz they don't listen to half of what you
say!!)But I have many male friends who actually listen and don't
analyze.

I have observed (and again I do not want to generalize) that women
over analyze stuff. They want to make make relationship foolproof.
They want each and every expectation to be fulfilled by the
girlfriend/partner. If some thing does not match they spent hours
thinking about things that would go wrong.One more thing that worries
me women is that while finding the "right" gf, they spend so much
time in matching things instead of enjoying the differences. We start
with a block in our mind and we continue to harbor that block over
time. She is too different from me and hence not fit for a
relationship. My ex wanted some one who can discuss politics.
According to her I can't, and hence she broke up with me. Why should
anyone put so much pressure on that one person to be everyone? I
think when you find some one who is on the same plane as you on major
principles and values, with whom you can be yourself, with whom you
can laugh and cry, can you not then try to put in efforts to build
the relationship, instead of looking for reasons to break-up?? But I
guess building up something is more effort than breaking-up and we
take the easier path.

Some time ago there was the discussion on whether lesbians or gays
break-up because there is no institution of marriage. I some times
wonder if that is true. In the hetero-context, marriages is not just
the marriage of individuals but a marriage of families. In the homo-
context, first of all there is no marriage, if there is, families are
not involved, and there are no social obligations. Its a an
individual decision to stay together and individual decision to break-
up. They don't have to care about families and families usually do
not take keen interest in gay and lesbian children. So there is no
incentive to stay together. I have seen many hetero marriages being
saved because families mediate some of their issues and show the
positive side of the relationship. With us, its just the 2 people. No
one to mediate. We just decide I don't you in my life anymore and
that's the end. We don't get people's perpectives. When my ex broke
up with me I wished we had family members or some common friends who
could give us a different perspective to look at the relationship.
But then as adults, we do not want any interference from people. We
are wise enough to take the decisions. I just think that we miss out
on the family presence in our lives.

I also think that we (gay and lesbian folks) are very complicated. We
don't just have our sexuality issues but in addition to that we have
our own agenda. Some of us do not believe in marriages, some are
staunch feminists, some are staunch activists and the effects of all
these factors some or the other way trickle in to the relationship.
We mix up personal agenda with the relationship agenda and they don't
generally match. I mean tell me seriously, here we say we are very
individualisic, then why can't we accept each other as individuals,
and put in individualistic expertise to maintain and blossom the
relationship? Knowingly or unknowingly we want our partner to conform
with our ideas. Change as we know is the permanent part of our lives.
We all change over time. Should we break-up with people for every
little change happens in our life/thinking?

XXXXXX

Seperate post by same person:

Regarding own space in a relationship, I can only quote Kahlil
Gibran's quotes:

Let there be space in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each others cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be
alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver
with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts,
And stand together yet not to near together;
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

I think we go wrong in the beginning of the relationship itself. We
invade this space. And hence after some time we start missing this
space. We say that we want to grow with each other but don't give the
space to grow. And then it seems negative when we ask for our space.
Although I had a long distance relationship, my ex would make me feel
guilty for socializing with friends. She would call me up before
every get together and make me feel guilty for doing so. I am very
social and I like to meet people, make friends. She would actually
make me cry for doing something thats inherently present in my
nature.

It was interesting to read XXXX's post about setting time for
ourselves. I think personal time to pursue personal goals is very
important. Time can set aside, and I am sure it can be done, such
that it does not seem mechanical. And again, people would put in
efforts only if they love each other and consider the relationship
important.

So after reading all that leave ur posts. I'll say this much, heartbreak in a lesbian relationship is much more gut wrenching cuz in some way you just don't expect a woman to be like "THAT" - for they are the fairer sex ---- Aren't they??

And so.....LIFE GOES ON!!!

Abortion Ban???

2006-03-08T21:55:00.000-05:00

So as we have it America is now regressing back to caveman times when a woman's rights were decided by men. There was a time in college when such topics as NAFTA, Abortion, the death penalty, etc fueled the fiercest debates in my campus cafeteria. I remember how riled up I would get over these things and how passionate I was about my opinions.

Sitting around a round table, eating my lunch while four seniors discussed Pro-life vs Pro-choice was when I thought about the topic for the first time. That night I went home and reflected on what I had heard and decided at 18 that I was Pro-choice. That is still my opinion on the topic.

I believe the right to bring a child into the world is a very personal decision and only the person responsible for that child reserves the right to make that decision. When old school thinking takes the spotlight and the general public begins believing that it is okay to bring children into this world irrespective of whether or not you can provide for them, care for them and raise them to be good human beings you have a rise in all sorts of social issues. We see examples of this in India and China where population far exceeds government resources. You have increased crime rates, increased poverty, increased cases of child abuse and neglect and increased cases of illegal abortions performed in unhygienic conditions leading to sick women and debilitated children finally resulting in increased government health costs.

I read in Freakonomics that one woman's fight for the right to abort caused an increase in women aborting around the early 1980's which later on went on to reflect a drastic drop in crime rates while the previous 10 year crime rate had been much higher. These kinda topics are very intricately interwoven and can cause a domino effect and should be looked at from every angle.

Besides, it doesn't make sense when a country that prides itself on freedom begins to oppose those same freedoms. And mixing church and state --- come on now!!!!!

This ignorant ass statement is still making me laugh:

BILL NAPOLI: A real-life description to me would be a rape victim,brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.

Is this guy serious????

Tag

2006-03-07T05:45:00.000-05:00

Thanks Amzu for tagging me. Now I have to fill out one of these silly thingys. LOL.

Anyhow, since you did I will go ahead and be a sport. My answers are as follows:

Four jobs I have had:
1 - Small business owner - I owned my own discount store
2 - Small business owner - I owned my own wholesale clothing company
3 - Finance Assistant for a toy company
4 - Assistant Manager of Item Processing at a bank

Four movies I could watch over and over again:
1 - Kal ho na ho
2 - American History X
3 - Swades
4 - Patch Adams

Four places I have lived:
1 - NY
2 - A Caribbean Island
3 - India
4 - no #4

Four tv shows I like to watch:
1 - House MD
2 - The Apprentice
3 - One Tree Hill
4 - The L Word

Four places I've been to on holiday:
1 - Madrid, Spain
2 - Bombay, India
3 - St. Maarten, WI
4 - London, England

Four favorites dishes:
1 - Chicken Makhni
2 - Keema
3 - Kung Pao Chicken
4 - Famous Pizza

Four sites I visit frequently:
1 - Blogger
2 - Wikipedia
3 - Yahoo News
4 - eMedicine

Four books I've read:
1 - Everything by Paulo Coehlo thus far
2 - The Kiterunner - Khalid Hosseini
3 - Ethics for the New Millenium - Dalai Lama
4 - The Trouble With Islam - Irshad Manji

Four bloggers I tag:
1 - Gorpy
2 - J
3 - Aisha
4 - NY Moments

Delusions

2006-03-03T15:54:00.000-05:00

So, the delusional period is over. It's been a gradual process over the past year of different events chipping away at me. Finally, over the past two weeks I have come to the point where I know that it was mostly in my head.

Bloody optimistic idealists!! No matter how many sirens go blaring or how many bright neon signs you pass along the way you choose to deny hoping all along that what you think may be true. ****NEON SIGN**** Gotta learn to read those damn things. :)

I gotta say, though, that this period has taught me alot more about independance, believing in oneself, trust, confessions. It has taught me that you cannot go around trusting just anyone. You have to be much more wary. You give it to those you know who really love you and can look at you through unbiased eyes. Otherwise the way people can manipulate things and use it against you can be downright destructive.

I'm just surprised it has taken me so long to see this side of life. Or maybe I have just been lucky thus far with the types of people I have met. Maybe I haven't but I just haven't heard about the after effects. Either way, I know from now on I will not make myself vulnerable and will be much much more careful.

A wise man always told me honesty and sincerity are over-rated. Whenever he would find out I had confessed something I should not have he would say - "What the hell is a matter with you? What are you, some saint or something? I don't know what land you come from but things aren't like that. Most people don't think like you. You will get eaten alive. Better if you learn now." He would always be boggled at my disregard for the repercussions in my quest for the truth, loyalty, integrity, morality. And I would always look at him in amazement, like how can he think like that when all our stories speak so highly of truth and righteousness.

And as much as I have tried over the years to prove that wrong today, I bow my head to him. I have finally understood what he had meant to say.

"He was like every corrosive pessimist, a wounded optimist." - Robert Ludlum

And so, life goes on........

Pitfalls of Dating In NYC

2006-03-03T14:17:00.000-05:00

Pitfalls of Dating in NYC by MimiInNewYork

Murphy's Law

2006-03-03T00:15:00.000-05:00

Murphy's law (also known as Finagle's law or Sod's law) is a popular adage in Western culture, which broadly states that things will go wrong in any given situation. "If there's more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then somebody will do it that way." It is most commonly formulated as "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." - Found at Wikipedia

And, if I can atest, be a voice of some sort - Holy shit does it. When you think nothing else can go wrong it always does. Just when you think it may finally be over there is another curve ball headed your way at 120 mph.

I have to say, there are a few things I have learnt in my lifespan (however short or long you think it is):

- Love with all your heart cuz that is the only way to go. At least you go down a champion.
- Do not and I emphasize DO NOT admit what isn't necessary to hear.
- Get over your past and bury it. No one has time for a trip down your memory lane.
- Parents fuck up. They are people too, excuse them as long as you know they love you.
- Be compassionate to others but do not lose yourself in the process.
- Do your job to the best you can.
- Give it your all, whatever it may be, and walk away knowing you really tried.
- Know when to let go.
- Accept change as a constant. Stagnancy is irritating.
- Give everyone the respect they give you.
- Listen to those around you. You never know when what they say may answer all that burdens you.
- Fuck religion! Be a good person first. (nowadays that seems to be a hard enough task)

Okay, enough for now. If I think of anymore I'll post it up here.

Why o Why?

2006-03-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

Man Forced To Marry A Goat

Why do people do such things?

Add Music To You Blog

2006-03-01T18:33:00.000-05:00

K blog world I need help. I am trying to find out new ways to add music to my blog. I know of the ways you can add video codes to your site but that takes a long time to load and is quite annoying. I have heard of this embed command but need in depth details as to how to go about doing this. All this talk of servers and what not. Not too sure about all that. A few of the blogs I visit have just the songs playing and I am trying to figure out how to do that. Thanks for the help in advance.

What's With That?

2006-02-28T20:26:00.000-05:00

Two seperate conversations:

Talking to a F.O.B.(fresh off the boat from the motherland)

"YOU Americans are just horrible. So self-consumed, self-centered. The only thing you think of is capitalism. No consience. No love for humanity. YOU Americans are so different from US Indians."

Talking to a Gora

"YOU Indians think you are so smart. Coming into our country, taking over our jobs. Outsourcing whatever's left back to your country and taking our money back to YOUR homes."

Hmm. Jaaye tho jaaye kahan?? Dhobi ka kutta, na ghar ka na ghaat ka.

Quote Of The Day

2006-02-28T18:02:00.000-05:00

Steven Weinberg

"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."

Noteworthy News

2006-02-28T17:09:00.000-05:00

News I read and thought to mention:

For all you hypochondriacs:

Want to live longer? Think positive thoughts

For all you investment enthusiasts:

India's economy to sustain growth

For all you Americans interested in our economy (or lack thereof):

Young people in US are getting poorer

Migraine Rant 340....Million

2006-02-27T21:32:00.000-05:00

Migraine - PET scan

I have had this miserable migraine for 2 days...going on the third. It's one of those really paralyzing, back of my head drilling to the front, taking over my eyes, invading and erasing my thoughts, I can't stand light, I need dead silence, I want this day to be over, I wish I could sleep through it but this pain won't let me -- kinda migraine.

I have recently realized Migraines rule a Migrainee's life. For the longest time I just thought I didn't like to do certain things. I have had migraines since I was 7yo. And now, when I look back, I see how many decisions I made based on my sensitivity. It really does rule your life. From where you chose to go, to the kind of perfumes you choose, to what you eat, to how you listen to music, to the kind of lighting you put in your house, to the color scheme of your furnishings, to the texture, to the pitch of voice you speak in, to how long you can argue, to how much time you spend alone, to how much time you can study. It really shapes who you are - in many ways.

I cannot stand to be in situations that worsen my migraines, leaving me pretty much debilitated.

Really amazing how much of me is just a reaction to my migraines. I like being around people and consider myself a people person, but I can only tolerate people around me in very small spurts. In most cases, when at home visiting my parents, I spend almost all my time in my room doing my own thing. Not because I don't love em, just cuz the lighting around the house is very bright, too many mirrors, too much white - keeps me in my more earth-tone room. My parents tend to be loud, my mom blasts the tv on volume 40 or the damn music is on the intercom all around the house and we have to talk over it. Can you imagine what that does to a migraine. Very few people can understand the sensitivity.

I still remember the time when the only thing I could do to alleviate the pain was bang my head against the wall.

Migraines really really suck.

That Time Of Year Again

2006-02-26T23:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it's Feb 26th again. Like it is every year. So what makes this day so special?? Twas the day my mommy cut open her tummy to give birth to moi. Hmm. Thanks mom, for life.

Aight, so the big question - does it feel any different to be 30 vs. being in ur 20's. I would have to answer, for the first time in my life, YES. With every passing birthday since I was 21 I never really "felt" any different. But this year I do. I feel older. Like this is when things will be very different in comparison to the past. Milestone. Just a gut feeling. I guess time will tell.

No great speeches to give, no points to make, nothing to really say. It's quite a somber day. Nothing exquisitely special. Just a night out at a local club followed by a quiet dinner with two close friends the following night. Hmm. Quiet.

And so the day ends.

Happy Bday to me!

What Matters

2006-02-26T20:00:00.000-05:00

I found this on one of the blogs on my blogroll. Since I found the words quite wise I thought to quote it here.

But what of the words spoken by those we trust in to use their weapon carefully. A friend once eloquently explained his difficulty getting close to others "when I decide to trust someone, to open up to someone, it's me putting my heart in my hands, cradling it carefully and placing it on the floor beside them. They can turn and step upon it, they can pick it up and cradle it. It's frightening to be this vulnerable" My heart has been crushed as many times as it's been cradled by another. Just as random people can hurt, those you know more can wound you more. Sometimes we hold on to such people because of blood, old times sake, but whatever the reason, if a person hurts more than they help. It's time to let it go.

And those we love, and love us in return, we must hold tight to us. For some reason it's the ones we love the most we treat the most unjustly. Somehow we persist in the belief that there will be a tomorrow to apologize or to give the hug. My mother told me that last night, her cousin in Pakistan passed away in her sleep. A healthy woman of middle age went to bed and never woke up. Ahmed an MC at my friend's wedding passed away two weeks ago in his early thirties and yesterday my dear friend's aunt finally lost the battle to liver cancer.... How many people didn't say sorry before the Tsunami, Katrina, the Earthquake took away the opportunity forever. How many people are living with regret for not having loved them while they were here. When it comes down to it, you can not say with certainty that tomorrow will be what you think. It's not worth it to hang up the phone in anger, to roll your eyes and walk away from the ones you love the most. Life is much too short. A few years ago a quote from the Autograph Man by Zadie Smith stopped me in my tracks. A man who no longer fought with his wife said "He had been surprised to discover that when you subtract the rows, what you are left with is love, a huge amount of it, leaking out of you." If you're honest with yourself you know what you're probably arguing over is not worth it, in the end you will reconcile, embrace the love and release the hate towards the ones you love the most because in the end love is all there really ever was. I think I finally understand.

quoted from It's My Life

And The Results Are...

2006-02-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

So, I spent a bit of time on those quiz thingys cuz I found it on another's blog and was totally bored. And the quizzes told me... *drum roll please* -

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You scored as Philosophy. You should be a Philosophy major! Like the Philosopher, you are contemplative and you enjoy thinking about the purpose for humanity's existence.

Philosophy

100%

Psychology

100%

Biology

100%

Mathematics

75%

Engineering

75%

Anthropology

75%

Chemistry

75%

English

58%

Journalism

50%

Sociology

50%

Theater

42%

Art

42%

Linguistics

33%

Dance

25%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Nerdy Girl.

Nerdy Girl

75%

Athletic Tomboy

63%

Hippy

50%

Popular Bitch

44%

Goth

38%

Loser

38%

Preppy Girl

38%

Slut

25%

What type of girl are you?!!
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Nice. Your nice. Please rate my quiz!

Nice

69%

Outgoing

44%

Immature

31%

Fun

31%

Dramatic

19%

Shy

19%

mean

what kind of person are you? (shy,outgoing,fun,mean,immature,dramatic or nice?)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Cute. You're cute. Like a girly girl. And if you're a guy and you got this result, you must be gay. But anyway. Email me at in_the_depths_4ever@yahoo.com

Cute

40%

Sexy

30%

Ugly

Are you ugly, cute, or sexy?!
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Albus Dumbledore. Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering.

Harry Potter

85%

Albus Dumbledore

85%

Hermione Granger

70%

Remus Lupin

70%

Ginny Weasley

70%

Ron Weasley

55%

Severus Snape

50%

Sirius Black

50%

Draco Malfoy

50%

Lord Voldemort

35%

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com

In conclusion - I am the cute, female, nice, nerdy version of Albus Dumbledore or Harry Potter who should consider, somehow intertwining Biology, Psychology and Philosophy as my major field of study. Well, it's good to know that I am doing the "right" thing with my life. :)

And so, I amused myself for 30 mins.

Anniversary Post

2006-02-24T01:38:00.000-05:00

So, it has been a year since I started this blog. And seems to be the tradition amongst bloggers one must look at their blog in retrospect and comment on their journey with blogging thus far.

Tonite, since this is my last night off before I start my rotations again, I decided to take a look at my archives. I went thru the first three months and started to get really annoyed with myself and my writings. They were so dark, brooding, negative, obsessive. I know I was going through some shit back then and started a blog with the intention of using it to work (write) thru that time. I just can't believe that was me a year ago.

Well suffice it to say that those issues are no longer a part of me. I have worked through them. Not sure how much the blog had to do with it. I know there are a few people who have really helped and supported me along the way. Thank you, all of you.

I have accomplished much peace of mind, but in the process I ended up failing something that was intergral to my success. I could spend time brooding over that now but, I don't see the point. It isn't something I can't do at a later date. Shit happens in life and some things take precedence over others. You make accomodations to suit decisions you make. And I did. The sacrifice was well worth the outcome.

I was contemplating deleting this blog and starting a new one altogether. But I decided against that for the moment. After all, life isn't all roses - it has some thorns too. Following is a list of some of my favorite posts:

Leherein - May 23, 2005
What is life? - May 4, 2005
The Interview With God - July 17, 2005
Lost In Translation - July 10, 2005
Pocket Full Of Posies - August 23, 2005
6X6 - August 23, 2005
On Closing Circles - Sept 7, 2005
Everyday Racism - Sept 4, 2005
Occam's Razor - Nov 27, 2005
Pinky The Bear and Baba - Dec 15, 2005
Miss You - Jan 20, 2005

Thanks blogger friends. ;)

Where Do We Come From?

2006-02-23T02:46:00.000-05:00

The age old unavoidable question that wanders the minds of most modern day philosphers. It has definitely wandered through mine. Thus I have recently delved into the subject head on. I had the conversation yesterday - "If you had to name one race you think is the proper representation of our transition from hominoids to H. Sapiens which would it be?" The prominence of particular genetic mutations only present in Negroids also sets the mind of the wonderer in the same direction. "What is the connection? Why is it that most diseases that are present in Caucasoids are absent in Negroids? Why are the Mongoloids so genetically similar to the Negroids? And as my luck would have it I came across a magazine article in the National Geographic Magazine that began to answer the same question. Unfortunately, the article is not available online therefore, I cannot link it here. However, because I think it is important for us to know I will go on to summarize its contents. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

DNA – What are we comparing?

The human genetic code, or genome, is 99.9% identical throughout the world. What’s left is the DNA responsible for our individual differences – in eye color or disease risk, for example – as well as some that serves no apparent function at all. Once in an evolutionary blue moon, a random, harmless mutation can occur in one of these functionless stretches, which is then passed down to all of that person’s descendants. Generations later, finding that same mutation, or marker, in two people’s DNA indicates that they share the same ancestor. By comparing markers in many different populations, scientists can trace their ancestral connections.

In most of the genome, these minute changes are obscured by the genetic reshuffling that takes place each time a mother and father’s DNA combine to make a child. Luckily a couple of regions preserve the telltale variations. One, called mitochondrial DNA (mtDNA), is passed down intact from mother to child. Similarly, most of the Y chromosome, which determines maleness, travels intact from the father to son.

The accumulated mutations in your mtDNA and (for males) your Y chromosome are only two threads in a vast tapestry of people who have contributed to your genome. But by comparing the mtDNA and Y chromosomes of people from various populations, geneticists can get a rough idea of where and when those groups parted ways in the great migrations around the planet.

What Our Genes Say:

1 – Modern humans arose 200,000 yrs ago in Africa. The earliest human fossils (homo sapien) were found in Omo Kibish, Ethiopia.
2 – Sites in Israel hold the earliest evidence of modern humans outside Africa, but that group went no further, dying out about 90,000 yrs ago.
3 - Genetic data show that a small group of modern humans left Africa for good 70,000- 50,000 years ago and eventually replaced all earlier types of humans, such as Neandertals. All non-Africans are the descendants of these travelers, who may have migrated around the top of the Red Sea or across its narrow souther opening.
4 – Ancient artifacts found in Malakunanja and fossils from Lake Mungo indicate that modern humans followed a coastal route along southern asia and reached Australia nearly 50000 years ago. Their descendants, Australian Aborigines, remained genetically isolated on that island continent until recently.
5 – Genetic data now show that the DNA of today’s western Eurasians resembles that of people in India. It’s possible that an inland migration from Asia seeded Europe between 40,000 – 30,000 years ago.
6 – Asia 40,000 years ago – Humans pushed into Central Asia and arrived on the grassy steppes north of the Himalaya. At the same time, they traveled through Southeast Asia and China, eventually reaching Japan and Siberia. Genetic clues indicate that humans in northern Asia eventually migrated to the Americas.
9 – The New World 20,000 – 15,000 years ago – It is still a hotly debated topic and isn’t exactly known. But genetic evidence shows that it was between 20,000 and 15,000 years ago when the sea levels were low and land connected Siberia to Alaska. Ice sheets would have covered the interior of North America, forcing the new arrivals to travel down the west coast.

Diversity

The diversity of genetic markers is greatest in Africa, indicating it was the earliest home of modern humans. Only a handful of people, carrying a few of the markers, walked out of Africa and, over tens of thousands of years, seeded other lands. “The genetic makeup of the rest of the world is a subset of what’s in Africa,” says Yale geneticist Kenneth Kidd.

****quoted from National Geographic Magazine March 2006 - small excerpt available here - NGM

With all of that said, how would such proof affect our worlds? If it were to come out one a large scale? How would the White supremists feel to know that they aren’t really that supreme? And that they actually come from those they call “dogs” and “slaves”. I mean if you look at world history, wherever the whites have gone they have conquered, so we know they are intelligent, but we also know that the conquerors lacked integrity and good will. Too many times they went into the countries and took the natives as slaves who they went on to ill-treat. How would they feel to know that they are here due to them. And the Adam and Eve they believe themselves to be descendants of are actually genetically traced back to having existed in Africa 200,000 years ago. I wonder.

Racial Epithet

2006-02-23T01:23:00.000-05:00

Interesting news clip

I have to agree with the "white supremist"

Imagine

2006-02-19T02:53:00.000-05:00

A beautiful post written by Guyana-Gyal once again.

IMAGINE

Smoke

2006-02-17T12:55:00.000-05:00

Sitting here on the sofa blowing smoke lazily out of my mouth. Love the feel of a cigarette in between my fingers. As nasty as it smells on your mouth is how sweet the scent of a cigarette smells in the air. Crisp winter air blowing in through the window. My girlfriend is gonna come home and yell at me for keeping the windows open. "What, are you crazy or something? It's freezing in here!!!!!!!!" (the exclamations emphasizing the annoyance and wonder in her voice) Little does she know I have spent many a days toying with "mind over matter" issues. Keeping the windows of my car open in freezing whether telling myself over and over again "It isn't really cold." The actions of a rebel who doesn't want to act out in ways that lack morality but wants to challenge oneself nonetheless. Hold hand over fire. Bear freezing weather. Pain is subjective and I only feel what I want to. I am the master of myself. Then why is that I look to others for approval of my lifestyle. I want the ones who I love to understand me and love me, approve of me and the decisions I make. Does their disapproval change the way I think, the decisions I make. Yes, sometimes it influences my decision making process but in the overall picture I don't live by others rules. As long as my heart tells me I am right (my heart not head) I am satisfied. So, why do I care? Need to change that.

I'm downloading music. These fiercely fast internet connections available in the states are a commodity back where I live. Songs that take me 2-3 mins to download there take me 10 seconds to download here. Ah, the things we Americans take for granted. Stealing wireless internet connections, high download speeds, restaurants at every corner, food delivery, shopping for groceries via the internet, bars, movie theaters, ppl everywhere you look. Okay there are ppl everywhere I look too. One movie theater on the island that is comparitive to the movie theater in Dharivi (dharivi prolly looks better). The seats are torn, stiff and wooden. The speakers scratch with bass. It smells like someone left their used socks under the seat. It plays one movie a week and usually a movie that caters to the local crowd like Soul Plane.

By the way, you know this amazing phenomena of adding music to one's blog - well someone should come up with a way to be able to add desi songs to one's blog whether they are video codes or just audio clips. So, when we find some kickass song we want to share we can. It should look like www.videocodezone.com or www.singingfool.com but those only have video codes. We should have just audio clips as well to make for easier page loading. If I knew how to do it I would. Wouldn't mind investing in a project like that since I am a diehard music fan.

Ah, the millions of buzzing little business ideas that pop in and out of my head. Wonder when I will reach my "tipping point".

Why the fuck do I listen to such morbid music. I mean I listen to my share of pawty music but, when I am alone at home (which is a lot) I listen to brooding rock songs. Noori's sound in their latest album reminds me of Nirvana. Their last album only had one cool song - Manwa Re. Rest sucked. Love the sound of paki music since Jal. Vital Signs and Ali Haider seem like a thing of the past or maybe that's just in the west. My latest obsessions are Arooj Aftab, Call and Kaavish's Baachpan. I miss Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan.

Okay, I've run out of things to say.

Progress...or is it?

2006-02-16T14:34:00.000-05:00

Mom called today and told me about yet another marriage that has broken apart. As the story goes, this man of 47 - a distant cousin of mine currently residing in Karachi, Pakistan - has been living a complete life of despair for the past 5 years. It finally got the point where his children told him he was putting up with too much and needed to divorce his wife, their mother. She was having an affair and was now pregnant and recently had an abortion bcuz everyone they knew was spitting on her. The news has blazed thru the family circle overnight. From Pakistan, to India, to New York, to Spain back to New York again and then to places I don't know. Sad part - I barely know this cousin and we are barely in touch with his family. But we still know.

Mom's point - "You see this beta, nothing is concrete. They were married twenty years or so, have three children one of whom is disabled and after all that it comes to this. They are getting a divorce. Nothing in this life is truly stable. I wonder why that is."

"Mom, I think it has to do with progress and modernization. Today, women are as much in control as men. The woman, who represents nurturing, caring, love, forgiveness and all things right in the world finds herself more overwhelmed. Women are working in demanding careers, competing against the best, vying for success. They no longer have the time to nurture, empathize, care, love, forgive, etc. Not to mention the advances in technology and how today, every man is an island amongst himself. Fifteen years ago, if you wanted to write a research paper you had to get yourself to the local library. In the process, you ended up meeting people along the way and needed the help of the librarian to point you in the right direction. If that librarian gave you an attitude, you dealt with it in order to get your work done. In the process of meeting these people you developed better interpersonal skills, better communication, more tolerance for the human error.

Today, you park yourself in front of your computer and find all the information you need. You no longer need to deal with anyone. You can get all of it done yourself. Our times have made us extremely independant. And since we can do it all alone, why put up with someone else's shit. That's the attitude of people in general. You can have anything in the world without having to make a commitment to anything, without dealing with anything more than you need to. And the saddest part - anyone who does deal with it for the sake of love is considered a fool. There is no place for ideals. Your own peers look at you and call you ridiculous for holding on to them and forsaking your growth. This is life today."

"Before, I just used say that relationships are fickle. Today they truly are. What is this world coming to beta?"

In order to get something one must give up something else. In the quest for modernization we have lost out on much. Is the trade-off worth it? And so we wonder....

Me, I am still trying to understand it all. Trying to get a real grasp on the concepts of the world today. Some find themselves completely at home in these fleeting times. I, myself, am lost.

In limbo.

Vayraag

2006-02-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

When I was a child, growing up my mom told me stories about various people who went through life - its ups and downs, happiness and sadness - and eventually reached a point of vayraag. Vayraag = renunciation. She told me about these people with great excitement, anxiety and awe. How one thing, just one thing - final thing - broke them - and they walked away from the world - renouncing it all as something they could not understand and could no longer be a part of. I remember being in awe of those people. Awe because I could not understand how people give up on life - make that sacrifice. I was only 14. There was still so much in life waiting to be explored. So much I still wanted to do. So many things I still wanted to see. So much hope.

I am 2 weeks from turning 30 and today I am contemplating vayraag.

It's funny how things fall into place. Like pieces of a puzzle falling together. Someone very close to me said this to me - you just stop thinking about it and at a later date a piece of the puzzle falls out and kinda fits into place. And before you know it the whole puzzle is staring you in the face - it is no longer a puzzle. It is the sum of all those pieces.

30 yo and not a moment of peace. Not one relationship that has proven to be 'different'. All the same shit, all the same old shit. In different forms, yet still the same. No one cares enough to feel you. People are way to caught up in their own lives, in their own heads, in their own theories, in their own insecurities, in their own paranoia. And I - am just too damn tired of trying, believing, holding on, hoping. Liars calling you a liar, cheaters calling you a cheater, mistakes being used to define a person, every action means something else, shit being misconstrued and blown totally out of proportion. It's not about love, it's about the bigger person, the ego, the smarter one, the better one - there seems to be a prize everyone is vying for that I don't know about.

The theories I believe in - love is forgiveness, do unto others as you would have done unto you, live and let live, don't judge - all a figment of my imagination. I am told by others to get a grip, that I live in a idealistic world where these things don't happen. People aren't like that. Hot damn!!! I don't want to be part of a world that isn't.

We all have a set of ideals - whether we are idealistic or not - that we look for in life. That complete us - compromising those means compromising oneself. I am not compromising myself. I never have. If 'it' is love it will understand, move beyond, look ahead and walk with. If not, it ain't worth it. It just ain't worth it.

So, vayraag seems more and more real as each day goes by. Mom might actually be right - her words may actually prove true -

"Beta, this world isn't for you. You aren't made to live here. People will never understand you and therefore you will never be happy. You will leave. Mark my words."

"Ma, you are crazy. I love life. I love everything it has to offer. I won't leave."

"Yes, you will."

Ecstatically Excited.

2006-02-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

Notice the period at the end of the title - denotes period - no ifs, ands or buts. I am excited. Valentine's day is rolling around and I am going off to be with my love. I remember when Valentine's day used to be all that - I was a young kid then. As I grew older Valentine's day became just another day - garbage - just another day that greeting card, balloon and candy companies could skyrocket their sales. At 24 I became one of those that cashed in on the day. If nothing else, at least it was a day when I could make loads of money. Christmas was by far the most profitable holiday - Valentine's day was the second best.

Somehow, this year around the day means a helluva lot more. I am actually excited to be able to celebrate it. I walk into shops around the island and there are lil decorations and advertisements on the radio to "get your honey this. get your baby that." And guess what, everytime I hear it I smile. The thought of being with her makes my heart a flutter. I feel foolish but then I feel happy to be one of the few who can be foolish.

BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABA - I'm coming. Can't wait to see that face. Kiss those cheeks.

"Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been.." Priceless by Copeland

Happy Valentine's Day you all.

Insidious Living

Farewell

Indigo Prophecy

Unsaid

What is it about?

Snapshots

Strength

Still I Rise

Pablo Neruda

Operation Theater

And so it is...

Narcissistic Abuser

Motivation

Sleep come now

Love the Menace

Love Sucks

Rage

666

Metta

Desi Pride Moment. :)

Have you ever....

Abusive Behaviors In Relationships

*Sniff* *Cough* *Sniff*

Saying Goodbye....Again

Awakenings

Nothing to talk about...

Something Relevant

Just Another Night

Diabolical Lessons

Fluff

Disorder

Uthay Rab Rhenda

America - stupid and beautiful

Neighbors

I love you!

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

Absolut Brit - Pics

Cocksure

Quick Update

Walk The Caribbean Walk

Doom

Paro and Pink

A Dream Deferred

Fanaa

Fencer

Words of Wisdom

Conscience

Hafiz ki Shayari

Random 20 Q's

Ek Taraf

Blahhhh

Dil Ke Armaan

Radha Krishna

Haji Ali

Haji Ali 2

Mosque

Middle of Nowhere Again

Middle Of Nowhere

Light Alteration

Artsy Mood

NYC Wearing Blue

Terragen

Broken

Lost Beauty

Lost Identity

Lost and Found

Fakeness

You Are What You Eat!

It's A Small World After All

United Kingdom

Quiet Moments

Geetanjali - Rabindranath Tagore

Psycho Magnet

My Heritage Face Recognition

Neural Sensitivity

Tag # 2

Water by Deepa Mehta

Another Arrest

The Gay Life

Abortion Ban???

Sniff Cough Sniff